The nurse practitioner spoke to me a long time today before she signed off on letting me have the chemo. I am anemic, and my numbers are low. We talked about fatigue. I gave her the medical form to sign to release me from jury duty for a time, and I said I felt excluded, and sad and it seemed a sign that I was not able to participate fully in the society in which I live. I spoke of how much I am changing with this, how I am learning to rest and take breaks. She is amazed at how I use this to learn. I can't imagine doing it any other way. It seems others rail against it. I figure I am in it, or not, or at least that is my feeling of the moment. We spoke of everything, and she finally signed me off, because she said, I "look good" even if I don't feel it, and I actually am feeling quite fine right now.
So, benadryl is in the drip, and also, steroids, so I have some perkiness now, and I nodded in and out most of the four or so hours of the IV drip, so the time passed reasonably quickly. The mountain was there, the hill, and the tree, and they all appeared the same size today. There were egrets and gulls. One woman watched a movie on her computer. I enjoyed looking out and reading a few lines from books I brought with me.
The nurse practitioner said that massage is as important as the chemo for my healing, so I have scheduled one of my five free massages at the healing center. I got Al, who is the best the woman said for nurturing women going through cancer and chemo. I'll do that Monday. It seems a bit indulgent to me, but I "got" today that I am to do this for my health. She "ordered" me to get massages. : )
Taxol will have different side effects. So far, I have made it through the drip which is a good sign, so I am hopeful that I am not one of the women who will have major problems with it. There will be achiness in the muscles and bones, and numbness and tingling in the feet and hands, but, possibly no nausea. I would greatly appreciate that. We also spoke about radiation. That is not negotiable, she said. It is that or a mastectomy. Okay, I'm fine with radiation. She said it is a very nurturing environment, and very different from the chemo world. Yes, I understand.
I resonate to these words by the architect Louis Kahn today. "The sun never knew how wonderful it was, until it fell on the wall of a building." I think that is what this is about. Using the chemo, the cancer, the limitation, to feel the wonder I am, and you are.
Vicki was thinking of me today, and, then, she heard wild geese honking high overhead. Of course. How else could it be?