|
Steven
Wright-isms |
I
planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed
it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to
Protons have mass? I
didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a
chance to prove that money can't make me
happy.
If the world were a
logical place, men would ride horses
sidesaddle.
What is a "free"
gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was
gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be
polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to
merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as
cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the
thing you have left when everything else is
gone.
What if there were
no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about
egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool
you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a
nail.
A flashlight is a
case for holding dead batteries.
What was the
greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect
for my height -- which varies.
I used to be
indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living
hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be
self-help "groups"?
Is there another
word for synonym?
Where do forest
rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is
one-second per second.
Is it possible to be
totally partial?
What's another word
for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a
communist plot?
If swimming is so
good for your figure, how do you explain
whales?
Show me a man with
both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants
off.
It's not an optical
illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my
imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?