Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

checking in -

In this moment, I feel rather worn out and tired and sick to my stomach.

I am with the question of medical care, and when numbers lose sight of what can happen when one is allowed to be in their own home and surroundings.

The vet and I disagreed last night on continuing treatment for Bella.  They wanted her to come again today and spend another whole day at the vet being hydrated and pumped with antibiotics.   They said she wasn't eating.  I said she eats at home, and explained that of course, she doesn't eat there.   She is in a cage, surrounded by other cats and dogs, and is being poked and prodded all the time.  Who could eat?   The place upsets my stomach, and brings up all my feelings of loss of control when I got caught up in medical treatment.   I was raised with a strain of Christian Science, and so, struggle with the medical world anyway.  That said, my daughter-in-law is a doctor.  

I agreed to bring her back today, so the catheter was left in.  We spend a great deal of time last night and this morning ensuring she ate, feeding her baby food from a heart-shaped spoon.   It is amazing how much I love this cat, and how strong and sweet her spirit.  

I took her down to the vet this morning, with a list of what she had eaten, and I explained how happy she is at home sleeping where she is used to sleeping and having her own house to walk in, so they took out the catheter, and said she could come home with me.    What a procedure.  The bandages were stuck, and they had to cut her fur even more, and she was crying and crying.  They again hydrated her and I will give her the antibiotics.

Now, they think it was a bacteria she picked up.  It is hard to comprehend somehow, but she is well now, and home, and washing herself, and I hope this is the end for awhile.   Life is so fragile.   Her little spirit is so strong.  They kept talking about how confident and independent she is.  Well, she doesn't suffer fools.   She and I are both glad she is home, and, in this moment, I am the one feeling sick, and looking to focus on what was absorbing me before this began.  I realize now I feel a great exhaustion, as I allow myself to feel and believe she is home and well for now.   I may intend to do better with the Buddhist concept of non-attachment, but clearly, I am very attached.

Jane said this morning that she and Jim went up on Grizzly Peak last night to watch the sunset.   Jane set a New Year's vow to watch each sunrise and sunset and write a few words or more about each one in a beautiful journal notebook Jim gave her for Christmas.  The sun set last night, a huge ball, an O over the Farallones, and two jet streams crossed it at the same time, making an X.   She said it was an X and an O in the sky.   Even the sunset threw hugs and kisses last night.


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