Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy
cathy_edgett

my experience -

I am again awake in the night, listening to the rain. I am in extreme discomfort. I don't even know how to describe it, which is why I realize the doctors can't describe it either. It is very challenging to be in unrelenting discomfort. I feel like I tried everything today. I read Eckhart Tolle, listened to Thich Nhat Hanh, and no matter no much I try and focus on my breath, I can't escape how I feel. My body bends inward. Perhaps I can image myself as Kokopeli playing a flute. It is hard to imagine how, in this moment, I would recommend chemo to anyone. Maybe if their life were in danger, but how does one know? Bodies change. Life changes. Maybe tumors go away. It has happened, spontaneous remission, unexplained by science. Anyway, it is lovely to hear the rain, and it is a surprise. I didn't realize more was on its way. I try to use the sound to calm my soul, but this with my legs, my bones, is hard to ignore. I try and image that good things are going on, that my body is firing back at the damage, but living as a battlefield is not much fun. I can't seem to find a way to relax with this, to accept it, to find some purpose in it. I know that this is this moment, but it has been a long one, several days now. I imagine people worst off than I am, burn patients for one, people who have lost a limb. I try and imagine that, to give myself some peace, and I still can't sleep, and so it is. I cannot sleep, and so, it is. I'm awake in the night and I hear the rain. That truly is a treat.
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