Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy
cathy_edgett

A painfully touching post -



Those of you who have been reading this journal know of Adam and Mitchell, twins.

Last January, Mitchell who was not yet fifteen became seriously ill.  He fought more than anyone could fight, to live, and, after ten months, his family was ready and gave permission and he let go. 

Adam posted this today on Caring Bridge for his sixteenth birthday.   I have his permission to share it.   If anyone has any thoughts that might help Adam through such a painful experience, please let me know and I will relay them.

When I think of sacredness manifested on this planet, I think of Adam.

Blessings as you read.


BIRTHDAY DAY


This is new kind of birthday for me if you can understand. This day has been especially hard for me, cause all I wanted to do is give Mitchell a big, long hug just for making it this far, but I can’t. Sometimes I get angry and frustrated that today, for me isn’t really my happy day, but a sad day. Today is a day where I look back and try to remember those days when I was happy; when I was excited and would celebrate the day I was born. But you see I wasn’t born with one life, but two. I am a twin, and we live within each other, both separated before birth from one egg to two. We live with a part of each other inside of us, and one life has been taken from me. One of my lives has been torn away from me and soaring high above, farther than I can reach. I feel alone, weak, and vulnerable, sick to my stomach. Sometimes I feel as if I’ve gone insane, my mind is lost. Today is the day where all memories come crawling back to me, both memorable and horrible. Life is different, no matter how you look at it, or how many times we’ve said it in the past, its going to change.


Every day as time passes it’s almost like I’m in slow motion. Everything around me is moving so fast, and I just want to go back, go back to when things were normal. When I wasn’t the poor, hopeless me that can’t go a day with out tearing or choking up inside but I can’t because I’m just stuck! Time has stopped, and there’s this pressure around me to do things, to do well, to forget about it and move on, but I can’t. I’m one of those people, if you break me, it’s going to take a while to put me back together. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to be this person. I don’t want to be this person! How did this happen? How did it end up like this? Why do I feel so alone? WHERE’S MY MITCHELL!!!? I don’t know how to exist in a world where my brother doesn’t. I had no Idea life would be this hard.


I ask this question every day to myself, when will this stop hurting? Will my pain ever go away? I know life will be different, but I don’t want different. All it takes is a split second and your life can change forever. When you’re in denial you try to hide your emotions. You try to pretend it didn’t happen, yet it’s so painful to forget.

Everyone needs help from time to time, someone to look out for them, to make sure they’re ok, to make sure they’re ready.


So I say to those with siblings either brother or sister; hold on to them, fight with them, take from them, argue, yell at them, cause that’s what love is. And I would kill just for seconds of that with Mitchell. I would search the ends of the world to have that back. So please if there is anything you want to say, anything you want to do, please don’t put it off cause we may never get another chance.


A birthday doesn’t always have to be about presents, or who can have the biggest party. I now think of it as a day to reflect. A moment where you get to figure out what you have accomplished, what you have gained, how many times you called yourself a fool, how many times you’ve seen your life change in a blink of an eye, or when you know you’re happy or sad with the life you’ve chosen. Birthdays aren’t always meant to be happy, just most of them are.


Thanks for listening, yours truly,

Adam


 


 


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