Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy


I am wide awake. They put all sorts of things in my drip, so it takes about 24 hours before I feel the effects of the chemo. I have some cramping, but, I am wide awake.

I think part of the alertness is that I go in and sit down and they wrap my arm in an electric heating pad so they can find the big veins. I feel sleepy just from that, and my eyes seem trained to close when I sit down in that chair, and yet, I don't really sleep. I monitor my breathing. I feel the drip as it starts in my wrist this time, and starts flowing through. I listen and notice what goes on around me. I hear the fear in the voices, and the attempts at cheer. I learn that Peets gives coffee to the Marin Food bank. Starbucks doesn't.

I think perhaps though what is most with me tonight are the words of the oncologist. She is so honest about what is happening here. People compare chemo to dying and coming back to life. She essentially said that. We take you as far as we can, and amazingly, you come back. The human body is amazing. I am proof of that. I feel that, and, in that, tonight, is some place of wisdom I touch, something old, some knowing that there is something big going on here, that the shamans know, that our ancestors know, that, I, in my rapidly changing bones and cells, know. I feel honored to be part of this. It is a great gift.

Someone reminded me that people going through chemo are more emotional. I could use that to explain my recent outburst, and yet, I know I let myself feel rejection. I created it. Most "hurts" boil down to three things, rejection, betrayal, and abandonment. I somehow hooked myself on a story of rejection. The only one who can reject me is me. I know this, and I worked in these last few days to understand that, and that is why I worked so hard to prepare myself for this chemo treatment. It is about how I meet it, what I bring to it, and how much I want to live. My oncologist is open about my medical chart. The words, metastasized cancer, glare there. I rarely admit that to myself, that I am dealing with something big, but I am letting myself feel that, so I can fight it. How else can I deal with it, if I don't even let myself feel what is scientifically shown to be true? I can work with this in all realms, and I have asked your help in this, and I am fighting, and I am surrendered. I am fully involved with my healing, and I trust what comes, what always is. I feel great hope, faith, love, trust, and gratitude tonight. May we all sleep well, and intertwine delightfully in our dreams, both awake, and asleep.

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