Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy
cathy_edgett

Awake!

Yesterday with the oncologist I called Neulasta, Neuplasta. She quickly corrected me, although I think the form of the word I developed works for me. Neu-plasta. I wake and check it out on-line. Then, I consider on this neurological damage Taxol may cause. I feel tingling in my hands and toes. I Google neurological and see some things I'd rather not know. I realize that to use visualization I need to understand what is going on, although I also see that when I receive the drugs and just say to myself, the organism is intelligent and knows what to do, that all works perfectly well.

Yesterday, a doctor showed some young doctors through what he called "The Infusion Room." They were self-conscious, and I felt a bit like a zoo speciman, sitting there with my feet up, hooked up to my IV, my books laid out on the table, in an attempt to make my space a home for a time. I thought of what the word infusion means to me, and flowers came to mind. I felt like a flower essence, Fairy Slippers, perhaps. I was wearing a tiny fairy on a band around my neck. Yes, fairy slippers felt right. I visualized that.

Now, this morning, awake, I feel awake, alert, calm, and clear.

I think I will go through the Eckhart Tolle book, A New Earth, and put some paragraphs that struck me here.

I begin.

"Space consciousness means that in addition to being conscious of things - which always comes down to sense perceptions, thoughts, and emotions - there is an undercurrent of awareness. Awareness implies that you are not only conscious of things (objects), but you are also conscious of being conscious. If you can sense an alert inner stillness in the background while things happen in the foreground - that's it! This dimension is there in everyone, but most people are completely unaware of it. Sometimes I point to it by saying, "Can you feel your own Presence?"

I pass through many pages and come to this.

"Whenever there is beauty, kindness, the recognition of the goodness of simple things in your life, look for the background to that experience within yourself. But don't look for it as if you were looking for something. You cannot pin it down and say, "Now I have it," or grasp it mentally and define it in some way. It is like the cloudless sky. It has no form. It is space; it is stillness, the sweetness of Being and infinitely more than these words, which are only pointers. When you are able to sense it directly within yourself, it deepens. So when you appreciate something simple - a sound, a sight, a touch - when you see beauty, when you feel loving kindness toward another, sense the inner spaciousness that is the source and background to that experience."
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