Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy
cathy_edgett

This Morning For Me!

February 2, 2006

Today, Jane listens to my morning flow and calls it Life-Lines.  I am struggling to be here in some way of keeping my core, the essential part of my being alive, even as I feel myself internally probed by something injected from outside.  Last night, I felt I was invaded by aliens, as I felt the chemo on its search through my body.  It is like a flashlight swimming through me looking for what is dividing rapidly, and leaving the slow sleepers to rest.

My throat is sore this morning, and my feet, but I am feeling pretty well besides that, and yet, as Jane and I talk, I realize I am not looking for meaning in my writing this morning.  My mind is unclear, like this day I see out my window.  I am recording what I see and feel, in some way of anchoring.  I am here.  I am me, some me, and sometimes, the chemicals cause my legs to shake, and I sit with that.  I watch that, and perhaps, that is why today, I look out my window at the trees, and I watch them, just watch.  I am not looking for meaning today, or judgment, or even, discernment.  I just am today.  I am a duck.  I am a tree, dripping with rain, that has now paused, and yet, is still held in the folds of the leaves.  I am the sun on the other side of these dense layers of fog and clouds.  I am me.  I am you.  We are one!

I offer my snippets, my morning as it drops, like rain, from an inner, outer sky.  

For me today, there is no meaning, only being, in a life. 

 

Diving in

like a duck

tail up

to nuzzle below

what swizzles unseen

until grabbed in a  beak,

shaken,

and taken,

like coffee,

with cream

 

 

 

sitting blank

mind silent

allowing a hand to come

and write

what bites nuance to rise

and fly buttons like kites

for the sky

to open

and star with light -

 

 

 

insight

 

can I welcome the hand

that comes like an animal in the night

to write on my mind

like porcupines,

each spine held at an angle

to catch the light,

and bring it to the page,

an offer, sometimes,

of sight  -

 

 

 

the tree outside

is silent today

each branch hanging out

like a long gloved hand

dripping with diamonds,

water still shakes

and the breath awakes

in the round pause

of the pond

as it dreams

of lakes

 

 

 

everything reaching today

in the pause of the fall

of rain -

leaves and needles like fingers

waiting with bows

to fiddle

the sounds of the clouds

as they open

like grain

to sun-filtered light -

 

 

 

where to stop with a poem -

with a look, with the eating

of a lime -

where to pause the breath

and let it rest

that moment

clicking

time

 

 

 

where are the roses

held in my care

the flowers in cheeks

the organs in there,

felt,

heart, liver, spleen,

unseen -

 

Perhaps I don’t want meaning, only understanding at the most basic levels, forces molding cells, tissues, organs, me, you, an internet connecting us all, as one. 

 

I Want to Know!

 

I want to see inside,

to probe like chemo,

to be that light,

to discern -

can I activate fingers

to stir inside, like cilia

and see

and feel

the deepness

I hide -

I want to know Everything -

I want inside, out

     where I can see,

     what is happening,

     what churns and flows and ripples in me. 

I want to peel the earth

     like an orange

     and eat the seeds -

I want to understand the operation,  

     the motivation, the surge, the tides that reap -

I know it is an old story,

formation and creation,

the watchmaker and the watch -

what comes first,

the chicken or the egg -

I am wanting to go where only letting go can take me,

letting go - disintegration -

and I’m not ready -

I am a probe, probed.

I am here,

not ready to let go,

and so I hold my insides in,

contained in a shell,

like an M & M.

I am all the colors of the rainbow,

until I melt,

and that day is not yet here,

and yet, I want to know what ticks inside,

what motivates this being that seems to be,  a me. 

"Let go and feel the air blow through your holes,"  I am told.

I am the whale.

I sing the sea. 

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