Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy


I had an incredible fright tonight.   All day I've been working on letting go, thinking if we do decide to leave the country if McPain wins, where would we go and what would we take.  I took a long walk, considering my steps and how little one really needs, and how when we die, we don't need anything at all.  I was thinking about Masahide's words.  "My house burned down.  I can now see better the rising moon," which really has to do with enlightenment, and tonight I was reading my magazines The Nation, Ode, and Shambhala Sun, and then, I went in the back for just a moment, and I heard a long bang and another, and I came out to the living room, and there are flames shooting up from the house down below and I run out on the deck to see all this flame shooting up in the sky as the house is burning and I hear the fire trucks and I am not sure they are going to make it before it catches our trees and deck.

My heart was thumping, and oddly what I did was call Steve who is now in Shanghai, but I was thinking if the house burns down, he won't know where I am.  How stupid is that!!   Anyway, the firemen came quickly - we are only three or four blocks from the firehouse and have been here for hours getting it out and making sure it is out.   The chain saws growl as I type.     

I walked around the block and watered all my trees, and the lights of the fire trucks reflected the leaves on the trees on the house.  The stars are out.  No moon yet though.  The saving grace is that there is absolutely no wind tonight.  If it had been blowing as it usually is here, I think my house might be gone.   It is sobering.  My heart was pounding and then I started crying thinking what if someone was in the house but it has been empty for awhile.  No one was hurt.  It is odd though standing there watching flames so close as they shoot up into the sky.   I see how territorial we are.  I somehow seemed to think my being here would save the house.  

Anyway, I won't be going to bed for awhile.  I think of how we connected we are, of how we pay taxes so we have fire and police protection.   It is what being civilized is about.   What part of civilized and civilization do the Republicans not understand.  We all drink from the same water supply and your fire is mine.  

I look around now at all that surrounds me.  We want to believe in permanence, in safety, and the point is to let go.  I have been trying to figure out the lesson of McPain as I know they are my teachers.  They are teaching me to let go.  The suffering I create, the anguish, is mine.   How do I want to live my last moments?   I think tonight gave me a huge clue as to what matters.  I called Steve, Jeff, and Chris.  We bought this house 30 years ago.   It is our home and, we can protect it, protect the land, and we also have to let go.



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