Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy
cathy_edgett

why not me -

A friend brings up an interesting point this morning. She writes of someone who says, "Why not me?" rather than, "Why me?" when something like this happens. It does switch it, doesn't it? Why not me?

I sit with that, even as I am feeling a bit sad this morning. I realize where I stumble is in having to be with the unknowing. If I knew I had chemo tomorrow, I could dread it, and not, be thrilled, but I would know my response. Today, I am with this unknowing of maybe some freedom, or maybe not. I know that indecision is the worst of tortures, and I also know that if I can stay with now, right now, and let all of this go, all is fine for me now, in this moment. I am looking out on trees, a few tastes of fog, soft rain. All is fine. I set intention to release into that spaciousness today. There is nothing I can really do about all of this, other than to receive your visualization, and my own, and enter the space of "Is that so?"

Steve will leave for Finland on Wednesday. He was in New York last week. Jane is in New York this week. Perhaps there is some sadness at the perceived limitation of my world, and I know that "wherever we go, there we are." My world is vast, if I let myself feel it, vast within and without, so, once again, I set intention to live in spaciousness today.

I realize now I am receiving an invitation. My tears are invited out by friends, a flock. If it were sunny today, my tears might feel lonely, out of place, but today, they are part of a flock, a flock of gray.
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