Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

thoughts -

Sometimes I forget how seriously some of you are following my process, so as I work my way through this, I forget how you may be affected by what I say. I apologize for insensitivity that way.

Yesterday, I let myself feel that my diagnosis was metastasized breast cancer. Now, my doctors prefer not to overuse that language, knowing what a punch to the gut results, but I am trying to move through the five stages of grieving as defined by Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, and I think in my joy at being alive, and the rush of love I received, I forgot about the stages, so, yesterday, I looked at denial. Then, there is anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance, and we do this over and over again in all sorts of ways over all sorts of things. I found a website today, that defined this easily using the example of your car not starting in the morning when you need to get to work. All five stages come into play. First, denial, then, swearing and kicking, then, a promise to take care of the car from now on if it will just start now, this one time now, and then "Oh, what's the use," and then, a plan to get to work.

This website however, feels there are flaws in the above system, and that it is just a beginning. It suggests Grief work using the acronym TEAR. The website is http://www.counselingforloss.com/article8.htm for those who are interested. There are a bunch more on the subject of the stages of grieving.

I found the acronym interesting since in these last few days tears come easily. This morning they were coming for no reason, just tears. I think I am beginning to release. And that, brings me to TEAR.

T = To accept the reality of the loss
E = Experience the pain of the loss
A = Adjust to the new environment without the lost object
R = Reinvest in the new reality

Yes, this feels right. It feels like what I am doing.

I think one reason I am doing better with this final chemo treatment is that I have learned to rest before I get over-tired. I accept my limitations. I ask for help. I am content. I am grateful this part is over, and that I have a break before the next part begins. I am learning to understand that my life will not be as it was before. I thought I would go through this, and then, hop right back into who I was before, but that is not what will happen, or even what would make sense as to happening. I am changed by this. I am change. I accept what is, and I am grateful for tears. I hope your tears are coming easily, too, tears of gratitude for the preciousness of this life, each and every day, now and now and now.

We live in a world of wealth. I am grateful for my part, and for yours!

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