Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy


I read about the flight that crashed in Kathmandu, Nepal killing 19 people.  The plane was meant to fly into Lukla, the Everest region of Nepal.   I flew into Lukla many years ago, well, 19 years ago, to be exact, close to this time of year.  It took three times, as we would go to the airport with our eggs etc and wait, and the weather wouldn't clear in the mountains, so we'd return "home" to the Vajra Hotel, where we stayed in a temple room.

It was a time for quest.  I suppose I thought if I climbed high enough, I would find peace, or perhaps it was escape I was looking for, and, at times, I did.  We lived as native people.  I actually thought I had brown skin and eyes, until one day I looked in a mirror and was shocked at blue eyes and blonde hair.  I was so sure I was a native, that I could blend in with Nepalese and Tibetans though they didn't see me as the same.  I had one shower in a month, and that was because a young man felt guilty over his gambling and used his winnings to pay for me to stand in a box where the hot water left over from washing the lunch dishes was poured over my head.  It was the only time I was fully undressed in the month, and the smell was pretty ripe when I pulled off my clothes, but then, we all smelled and we lived outdoors where smell is welcomed and absorbed.  

I think of the times I feel I've changed. One was when my father died in an accident when I was 19.  Certainly I was changed by marriage and my two sons and their marriages.   But the six weeks in Nepal, four of them in the Everest region of Nepal, were mine, totally mine.  I slept in a tent alone, reduced, reduced as close to death as one can come.  My breath stopped at one point, and I thought I'd gone too far.  I crawled, literally crawled to the altitude sickness clinic, where a handsome young doctor lectured me on the dangers of being where I was.  

I was changed by my mother's death, changed when we scattered her ashes, and saw gold flakes shape and filter up into the trees.

I feel changed once again by this with Katy.  I can't define what's happened, but I know something has.  It's like rounding a corner.  Who am I now, and does it matter?  I remember one day realizing that, "Nothing, matters."  Nothing, whatever it is or isn't, matters too.  I sit here tonight without explanation, knowing I am changed.   


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