November 21st, 2005

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Good Morning!!

This poem came to me last night before I lept to sleep, and sleep I did. 

 Letting Go

gathering flowers
like pebbles
from streams
where the water rolls
and smoothness brings
the willingness to sink
and not hold on
to what prolongs -
let the ripples speak
of what deepens now
when motion
to round
the day
into a ball,
tenderized like light,
by night -
yin-yang -
sleep tight -

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And then -

Somehow this is the only way I know how to tell you what I feel -


One step at a time
my mantra of late
and maybe always -
I thought I held
the pyramids of
in one hand
and future worlds in another
like glass balls
I juggled in place -
and now I set every possible scenario down
and let the frogs croak
since meeting through sound
is a ball I toss
in the chambers
of heart - mine and yours -
original -
ah - awe - om -
mama - papa - baby -
dome -

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Today, the Day!

Today, the Day!

I wake early
the last chance to catch the oil from my brain
before it drains
into a pan
washed away
into a stream
for which my existence
may not have significance,
and, yet,  perhaps -
oh, yes, of course, I must believe it does -
Sunset magazine this month ends with an essay on meditation -
National Geographic has an article on Buddhism -
See the way the cells in my body
are like fish
moving the sea
and this morning I hear from friends -
more touch -
anchors -
so yes my existence
and significance
live like kelp
floating in the being
that are we -
Blessings we live -
our plentiful streams
boldly connecting
the ocean we source
with our care -
love unsnared
you and me
one -
now -
and now
and now -
all one we be
curved in a smile
that mobius strips
our one to see
the love we share
and weave
now and now and now
one -

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This morning -

I look out on sun on the hills, and birds alight in the light.

I want to be calmly in this moment, and yet tests have shown that even before people are shown a violent or troubling image, their body is in turbulent response. Perhaps it is unrealistic to think that if I could only be more present, my legs would stop shaking. Perhaps presence is accepting my shaking legs and nausea, the clarity of my fear. Can I find comfort in the energy of it? Accept it as a friend?

Saturday, Jan and I walked to a lake near where she lives, and I sensed there was a little friend there, and sure enough, a river otter was watching us from the reeds. What a treat! I have so many signs of the wholeness of life, and so, maybe today it is okay that my piece of living is the little tattered end of the quilt that is fear.

May we all live well, in health, honesty, wholeness, and peace.

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Ode to Joy!!

Feeling the fear, once again, I shift, and now, I am humming Ode to Joy and waving my arms about and marching all around the house feeling jubilance and joy. Rather than hanging out on the ragged edge of the quilt of the galaxy, I am now centered in a warm, fluffy quilt of love and well-being, and I am rising up and down as it lifts on the wings of your love and care.

Steve and I sat outside this morning watching the sun light the top of the hills, and worked with the mantra, "I am not this body." I felt a wee-bit of resistance to that today thinking well, yes, but, and then, now, I feel my spirit pouring in like the first fall rain. I am so much more than this body, and I am a bit fond of it too. It provides wonderful transportation for me, and somehow, in this moment, I can quite enchanted with all being.

Perhaps, Jeff's healthy breakfast helped me also. I am extremely sensitive to eating now, and needing the fuel of protein with a roar like the sound of the wolves howling at the full moon. Yowl!! I'm strong as can be!!

Joy to you all,
Happy humming, singing, and prancing all day long!!!
May we all be truly well!!

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Well -

What to say -

The good news is that the oncologist was thrilled I showed up. I got a big hug for being there. She feels I am doing the right thing. I guess a lot of people chicken out. They probably are the smart ones. : )

Then, the oncologist showed a very sad face. The bad news is that because of the type of chemo I am having there will be no good days and no good week. That was pretty bad news in light of that I thought today I was supposed to feel pretty good, that they were giving me something to perk me up and keep the nausea away for today. That does not seem to be so, so I am wondering what my "bad days" are going to be like.

I felt it going in, felt it run through my heart. It was like a weight there. For me, they pour it in. The nurse sits there and pushes it right into the vein. That is for one of the drugs. The other drips. It feels so weird I cannot begin to describe it. I could feel it running through my body, and just kept trying to assure my body that all is okay. My poor heart. I could absolutely feel the drug running through there. I have never had such an experience with my heart.

The good news is I saw a teeny-tiny bird, a hummingbird, 15 flying geese, a sea gull and a turkey vulture from my chair. I did not read or play with clay. I assured my heart it was strong.

The good news is that the people are lovely, and the room has a view.

The bad news is that I don't think I have ever, ever felt this bad. I have to go back tomorrow for a shot. I have two more appointments before my two week appointment. I need to get my hair cut now. This is deep chemo and there is no fooling around on anything. Anyway, I don't feel good, but I don't feel bad, if that makes any sense. My oncologist told me that I was chosen for this treatment plan because I appear so joyful. I found myself absolutely unable to smile while this was happening. I felt like I was having a lobotomy, and my head feels like someone hammered on it from the front and the back. I am not down, and I am trying to be honest about this, so you will understand that maybe I am not going to feel so well, and perhaps, I cannot be as interactive as I had hoped. I feel really spacy and when I do gather the energy to think about doing something, I think some more. I just can't seem to do it.

Steve, Jeff, and Chris are here, and I am able to eat, and they are taking good care of me.

I did buy the book by Lance Armstrong, as they have a huge photo of him in the room. What I have read so far leads me to believe that I have absolutely nothing in common with this man who seemed to have no reverence or respect for his body, and he speaks of how he was changed by cancer, so perhaps that is him before cancer. He truly is a mind over matter person, and I was raised to that, and so it is odd to know that I have been hard on my body too and ignored pain, but I came to Rosen and learned to truly feel, and that is great, except now I feel the drugs going into my body and feel them circulating around, and that is really hard. I felt sad and wanted to cry, but you sign a form that you will be cheerful and so everybody tries, so I knew it was not okay to cry.

I don't know. I suppose I am doing pretty well, considering, and maybe everything is reversed as to how I will feel. I was just so shocked when the oncologist told me I would have no good days or weeks. I had made a lot of plans, planted carrots for rewards, and I will just have to see what comes. There is no way to know.

Anyway, I have medicine to help me sleep tonight, and tomorrow will be a whole new day.

Great love and care to all,

The guy next to me was having his first time, too, so we talked a little bit about how we like the columns of Paul Krugman and Maureen Dowd, but mostly he slept and I tried to use my imagery and bring in all my positive symbols. That did help, and I felt myself breathing really deeply to protect my heart, so I think everything is okay, and now I better understand it, and I am well. I am well!
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I truly did feel your prayers and support. Each time I tapped into that, I felt the shift in my breath and the ease.

My stomach is gurgling. I think I am okay. I just wasn't prepared somehow and now I am.

It helps to share it and let it go. I am flushing myself out, and the shot tomorrow is to boost my immune system and start building me back up. That is a good thing.

Thank you for all your love, support, and prayers.

I feel you here.