November 25th, 2005

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Checking in -

I seem resistant to taking the nausea medication, so here I am, awake in the night. I could go to the city to Dr. Wei for herbs, and yet, in this moment, I have awakened to the sound of the rain and so I stay with the rockiness inside, the shifting that can't seem to find a place to balance the sea.

This is how I feel in this moment, and delightfully, the world, brings me a next.

Earthy

 
I feel earthy,
in this place where nebulas till,
wagons incline, and fairies keen.
In
Nepal, yak dung is tossed on walls and homes to dry.
Thrown now,
I tenderize,
emerging
to fertilize
and fire  -
heat for warmth and food
and soul - Watching a fire,
we flame,
hand the light to the sky,
unwrap inside,
what came -
The rain falls now -
This morning taps with sound,
fire to rain - the same -

 


Book Cover

Evening light -

It has been a day of rest and peace, as I read a book called "Just Get Me Through This," which allows me to feel that I am making the right decision with the chemo.

We did celebrate Thanksgiving again today with our traditional foods, though it was a challenge to stay with it, and I did. I am preferring to try and make it through without the drugs, and finally this evening am feeling a little better. Of course, I slept a great deal and sat again watching the fire for hours.

I have set intention to get through our vast wood pile this year, the accumulation of many years of tree cutting, so we can start fresh next year. We made a good dent the last two days.

I wish I had words of wisdom. I have collected so many wonderful quotes over the years, and I find myself this evening just wanting to feel myself alight like a candle, or fire, with only sputterings and soft clickings, and no words.

I think there is something about feeling that light within me, like a burning log or candle, that feels right for my focus tonight. When I looked into the burning torch of the apple tree last night, I felt I was seeing into a geode on fire. It seems to me that this is always so - I am feeling the fire in my life tonight, the grace, the molten pour.