February 28th, 2006

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I am awake -

Hail this morning, and rain. Cat Mandu hops up on my white nightgown with muddy feet. He is scared and needs to snuggle. I notice he is drinking less, so he needs to go out less. He prefers to sleep and wait for the rain to leave. He is frightened by hail.

This morning, I wake at 4 and rise at 5. I seem to be on New York time. I am with something Jane said yesterday about the “emotional price of a given word.” Do we realize how advertisers search, research and pay to find the word, to draw us in? Imagine if we paid that kind of attention to every word we said? There would probably be fewer words, though now, I think of the bombardment of advertising, but that is radio and television. Search engines are trying to draw us in, in a new way. There is money there. Money leads the search before we do.

The company a friend of mine represented was at the top of the Google search for awhile. Business soared. Then, as he dropped down in the list of what popped up, so did his business. How could he word himself so he was first? As Jane says, could a poet choose a word more carefully?

I check out a web-site this morning that gives personal stories on illness and coping. It is a collection of poems and writings on dealing with the different aspects of illness. I find many of the articles not relevant to what I need right now. I recognize they may be comforting to others. I wonder, though, about the rant, about what seems sometimes, to me, a rehearsal and recording of complaint. At one time, therapy encouraged hitting a pillow to release anger. Then, it was learned that, for many, that wasn’t getting rid of the anger, but actually reinforcing it.

I consider what it is to feel and say I am sad, tired, frightened, angry. Is that enough, or do we need the story behind the feeling, the emotion that stirs?

I consider this. I give you my story. You know I am both disappointed and elated to probably not have chemo today. Maybe that story is the gold around the stone. It wraps around our finger. The ring finger on the left hand has a nerve that connects right to the heart. I feel that nerve.

So, this morning, I am with how to incorporate my life into a seamless piece of purest gold, and wrap it around my finger in the purest way, and, the stone, the brightest diamond, is all of you, shining facets of my worth.

Might it be so -
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more thoughts -

A friend sends the following today. She has returned from Mexico with Montezuma's Revenge. Oh, Joy!
I would not want that! All miseries are miserable.

She says:

"The M's revenge is not a big deal and I almost feel silly with my little complaints in the face of what you're experiencing, but I know we have the kind of friendship where we share what is, from the sublime to the mundane and all the other shades and flavors."


Yes, this is what I am trying to say, that I am trying to share all of myself with you, and I am trying to find the balance somehow of presenting what is going on, of sharing my feelings, my ups and downs, while also, holding them, in some awareness of wholeness. Again, I am not sure I am clear in what I am saying, but I feel it. And I want you to share with me. Your pain is my pain. We are the same.

I feel you twirling on the ring finger of my heart.
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more thoughts -

We had hail, rain, sun, thunder and lightning, more hail, more rain, and a power outage this morning. It feels like my life. Everyone called this morning. These people really care, and are so apologetic, and none of this is their fault, and yet, they act as though it is. My charts now show that I am a very sensitive person. This is good. Anyway, obviously, no chemo today. I have a staph infection and am on two antibiotics, so hopefully, all will clear, and next Tuesday I will have my final chemo and my big celebration. I think it is good that I have this week to rest. I am feeling just how exhausted I am, how debilitated, and everyone agrees that is not the best way to begin another treatment, so, here is to rest, recuperation, and rejuvenation, with no pressure on that at all. Take care!
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Morning poem -

Tender

each word said,
hung on a line with other words -
speak only kindness
what else could there be -

the embers of the fire
fall apart
the hand-hold of air
felt in me

the opening
of heart

awakes

 

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Two Perspectives -

Jane and I write for fifteen minutes at noon my time today.  She is in NYC, at  what seems to me to be,  the very exciting Search Engine Conference.


Here is her poem.


            I wake up in a new country.

            The streets are paved in salt.
            Breakfast is a single egg.
            An unfamiliar tune
            Bells, a woodwind
            Make me homesick.




Here is mine.  

    I look out from my current
    narrow path

    prescribed

    by chemo

    and infection -

        I feel like a cow

        standing on a hill

        chewing my cud

        as the world passes by -

    but the cow doesn’t have

    an internet connection,

    or wireless phones -

            She’s got milk.

            I’ve got clones. 

 

    Chemo Mind

    my brain is stuck
    I mean it is really stuck -
    nothing comes to mind
    no puzzles or cliches
    not one thing to juggle,
    jiggle or display -
    my brain is stuck
    like a model
    made of clay -
    or a snowwoman
    before she melts
    in the warmth
    of a winter day -

 

New York City

excitement
MOMA
conventions, conferences,
and I am here asleep
taking a nap,
a catnap
while the world
is a lion, stalking and roaring,
and I am a song,
little notes
sprung in the air,
hopping, like turtles,
plogging along. 

 

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Visualization -

The visualizing on my red and white blood cells worked. My blood tested normal yesterday. Thank you!!
Now, since that was so effective, I am going to ask you to visualize the staph infection gone, and my breast as normal and healthy as can be. I am starting to revive a bit today. Yay!!