May 12th, 2006

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Good Morning!!

I am feeling well this morning, and have worked with my attitude so I can again view the radiation as healing energy coming my way.  I think the difficulties this week with the template which led to more manipulation than usual were upsetting.  Also, they discuss everything in front of me.  "Do you think it is right?"  "Are you sure it is right?"  That is comforting in one way that they are so careful, and disconcerting in another that this is not totally exact.  There is no "perfect" here, or anywhere, as we know, but sometimes it is comforting to think that there is.

Anyway, I am feeling well this morning, and will soon be finished with number 30, and then, there will be three to go.

A good day to all!  It is Friday.  That has never had so much meaning to me before.  Two days off.   Yay!
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My Poems of Today!

        Radiation - The Boosts


The radiation machine is pushed against my side,

my arm up over my head.

I struggle now to visualize this more intense penetration,

which I am told is actually more shallow,

as healing energy.

I am sore.

I see what radiation can do.

This is not a play.

Jane suggests Tai Chi, changing the energy.

I lean now into that.

I counter its attack

with a movement of my own.

I block, shift, turn, change,


like with the horses

when we place

our body so they go around,

or with dogs where we deflect

their exuberance

with hips and shoulders.

I’ll work today with the energy

from the machine

like that.

I have tools.

I am biological.

I adapt.





A pause, and tears

want to fall.

Grief gathers

like Sunday parishioners at church.

I need this cleansing, this Baptismal call,

to bathe in my own healed waters,

to bless the moisture,

the font I feed

from the inside out.

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Jane's Poem of Today!!

They are all there.
The shoe bomber, the unibomber, the Oklahoma bomber.
Now Moussaoui.
They say it is worse than dying.
Eighty-four square feet, no sky and no connection.
No way to catch the tears, channel the chatter, transform the nerve.
Each one melts into a pool of their own wax.
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A day of Blessings!!

I wrote some of this on my laptop at Bon Tempe Lake, and the rest came later, as in tonight, the night before the full moon. 

I am at Bon Tempe Lake.   I am under a Bay tree listening to the lapping water, the water drinking the shore.  I don’t see the reflection of Mt. Tam in the lake, which I came to see.  It is windy.  I am happy to see Marin’s drinking water.  There are voices.  An article in the IJ speaks of noise pollution at Muir Woods and GGNRA.  Soon there will be signs for soft speech, and a banning of helicopters and planes.  It is too hard on the animals and plants and our own ears.  We need silence and natural sounds.

So, as to the treatment today, for those of you who are worried about my description, I see that I am a difficult case.  Because of the shape of my scar, and the depth of my problem, and the odd angles, even today a doctor came over from the hospital after I was set up to ensure all was okay.  Three doctors have checked me this week.  I feel assured they are doing everything they can to get this just right.   I changed my attitude today, and all went well, despite the delay.  The doctor touched me gently as he introduced himself, and the others touched me as we waited for him to come.  I felt treasured, and, in that, there was no pain.  I see how psychological this can be.  I was ready for the radiation treatment today and it went easily and well.  

I picked up a stone today when I left radiation.  A husband of a woman who had cancer has created an altar at the entry to the radiation waiting room.  He offers stones in a heart-shaped container.  Today felt like the day to take one.  I have it here.  Today was number 30.  Only 3 are left to go.  

I stopped at Subway for a sandwich to bring with me to the lake.  They open at 9, and they truly do make it to order, so here I am sitting on the ground, after walking across the spillway.  The breeze massages my head.  Birds are singing, as I look out on the grass that is still green, and clumps of oaks. A moss-covered Bay tree leans over me like a prayer.

I hate to change the mood, but I bought the IJ because of the headline on noise pollution in our local parks.  “Too much unnatural noise can upset the whole balance,” says Muir Woods Ranger Jim MacDonald.  Volunteers have been sitting listening to the noises.  Aircraft noise can be heard 14% of the time in Muir Woods.  At the seashore, aircraft noise is heard 32% of the time.  The noise of people walking and talking is heard 44% of the time at Muir Woods.  Signs will soon be posted to remind people we are in the parks to experience natural sounds not to bring our cacophony in.   Our noise disturbs the breeding of the birds and animals and puts them at risk to predators.

Sing silence today.

The comic strip Baby Blues intrigued me today.   In the “olden” days, a child fell, and the parents said, “I guess you learned a lesson about climbing trees.”  Today, the parents say, “We need to pass legislation to make trees safer.”   It is to think about, and is uncomfortably true.  I mentioned in an earlier post Eastwood Park near me that cannot seem to find playground equipment safe enough for the little ones. 

Another comic strip, Six Chix, makes a valuable comment when one woman says to another, “By hiring a gardener, a housekeeper, and someone to wash my car … I now have time to drive to the gym for my workouts.”   No  wonder  there is so much traffic.  It is not just the increased population.  It is also the changed lifestyle.   

Jane and I spoke about energy this morning, the release of mine in the acupuncture session yesterday in relationship to prisoners we confine.  What if we gave prisoners acupuncture, and taught them how to drain their anger and pain?  What if  we worked with how they utilize their energy, let them work with horses and dogs?  Perhaps, we could begin a change. 

The other day two policemen led a prisoner out of  the cancer center.  He was shackled and looked embarrassed in his orange suit, walking between the two men in uniform. I felt sorry for him.  He seemed so naked somehow in the bright light.

I don’t know what the answer is, but I would love to see us treating our prisoners in a more humane, and assuredly, less expensive way.  In Sweden, juvenile offenders are taught massage.  I continue to believe we can find new ways.

I couldn't leave without visiting Lake Lagunitas, though I didn't get to Bambi's bench.  I did find a lovely place to sit and eat my lunch, though I also slid and almost landed in the lake with my computer.  I stopped just in time.  

After the lake, I dropped down to the stable for the horse workshop.  One woman was not there.  She fell, unrelated to cancer, and broke some things, and was in the hospital four days and obviously was unable to attend.  It is another example of doing what we  want now.  Who knows what comes next?

We worked with the horses, and actually rode them today.  What a thrill?   When I went to "open the door" for the horse in the beginning, I felt how sore my arm was, but it went away, and I felt competent in guiding and directing the horse.  Then, we got atop, and guided with our rears.  Again, it is quite an experience.  I left feeling exhilarated, even though hearing more of the stories of some of the women is challenging.  It is amazing what a human being can endure.  I am in awe.

So, it is Friday night.  Yay!!   It is Mother's Day weekend, which has mixed meanings for people.  Some of us have lost our mothers and so there is a pang on this weekend.  It is like Memorial Day weekend in a way.  Memories rise.

It seems that people I spoke with today have had a rough week.  I am certainly not putting it in my 100 top good ones.  May the full moon bring easier days for us all, as we move even closer to the Solstice, and a sunny swing.  


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Zippity do dah -

I am feeling quite zippy this evening, and very happy.  I Know I can do this now.  Today has been an incredibly affirming day, and again, I went without a hat, and everyone loves my hair and my "look."  It seems I am "chic"  and "hip."   Whoever would have thought?   : )

This seems the time for this poem.   Let this weekend be one of peace.  The seniors were out in front of the Redwoods this evening, as every Friday evening, with their signs for peace.  May it be so!!

This is the Julia Ward Howe poem that orginally started the Mother's Day holiday ...
as timely now as it was then.

Mother's Day Proclamation
by Julia Ward Howe


Arise then...women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts!
Whether your baptism be of water or of tears!
Say firmly:
"We will not have questions answered by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage,
For caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country,

Will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the voice of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with
Our own. It says: "Disarm! Disarm!
The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe our dishonor,
Nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil
At the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home
For a great and earnest day of counsel.
Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace...
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God -

In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality,
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

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Breast cancer treatment -

I read the latest news on breast cancer treatment.  It sounds like for women like me,  chemo may not be necessary in the next years.  I am grateful to be done with it, and I hope it is true that fewer women will need to go through this in the future.   May that be so.