May 20th, 2006

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I sleep long and well.  My dreams are about fund-raisers for cancer people so that is interesting.  I am quite busy in the dreams, and fulfilled.  In real life, not dream life,  I have volunteered to help staff a booth for the stables and awareness of this cancer healing program in Fairfax on June 11, so perhaps that is part of it.  I feel rested this morning, truly rested, and sort of plumped up like a pillow.  My cells are awake and full, not drooping like wilted flowers. 

The PGE man is here, John, and he is working away to discover the problem with the gas connection.

I am with the learning of yesterday with the horses.  We began with "ground school," where we back the horse up, and, then, direct the horse in circles at different speeds.  I really just wanted to hug the horse, and she, Hallie, kept coming forward for a kiss.  She knew what I wanted, and was happy to oblige.  I understand how completely it is about my intention.  The horse will do what I desire it to do.  The horse wants to please me, and I need to know what I want, so that the horse can fulfill its part of the bargain.  It is for me to direct.   It is best for me to have a plan, such as wanting the horse to go five times in one direction, and, stop, and then, five times in the other.  It is uncomfortable for the horse when I am unsure.  The horse is there to mirror my desires.

The woman I worked with yesterday, Kathy, spoke of the place of neutrality.  She has learned to hold that place at work, and then, raise her energy when it is required, but not unnecessarily or not in reaction to others.  It is a wonderful practice, and I am with it this morning.  I am also with the wonderful feeling of allowing  my sit-bones to move with the horse, and direct the horse.  It is hard to leave the stables, without a huge desire for a horse, even though the work and expense are clear.  It is like having a child, something not undertaken without a great deal of awareness about the investment of money and time.  On the other hand, ......   I think each one of us feels tempted.   Hallie neighed at me from her stall  when I left.  Next to Hallie is Cupcake, who looks exactly as you would expect with a name like that.  She is very friendly, but she is not part of the program.  She has to stay in her stall, and watch.

Hallie's owner loves her dearly, as who could not, and has had her from the beginning.  Hallie has known only kindness.  It is hard not to be temped by a horse like Hallie.  She is a gem, as are all the horses we work with there.   Hallie, though, especially wants to please, and is an instant mirror of your desires and wants.

One man spoke of getting to saddle one of the horses, and coming early the next time to do it again, but this time he had been thinking about it, about all the steps.  He wanted to do it "right."   The horse backed away, not knowing the man who worked with him last week in that wonderful place of "unknowing" for which we "try" not to strive.  The horses know when we are in our heads, and not our bodies.  As Marion Rosen says, "The body doesn't lie."  They want us in that confident place of the body, not that illusive trickster place of the mind.  The man had to come into his body to work with the horse.  Again, what a wonderful practice, and how lovely to have an instant mirror in these horses. 

The NY Times has two great editorials today.  One is on global warming, and how we need some direct leadership at this point, and not this namby-pamby puttering around about nothing.  I am reminded of the horses.  They want, need and are happy with direction.  We, as the the people of this country  will do what is needed, but, we need direction, motivation, and to feel that our leaders not only know what they are doing but care about it, that they are invested in the outcome of saving the planet, instead of thinking they are going to be lifted up into heaven when the time comes.  I agree with the author, Katherine Ellison, that we need bigger solutions than just buying fluorescent lightbulbs. We need huge direction, as we had for the space program.  Look at what we did there, when vision was more than a "thing," to be laughed at and ignored.

Also, there is an editorial on the new legislation on English being the only language for this country.  The editorial ends with this paragraph.  "This country has always come to regret official actions that exclude and alienate large populations of newcomers. It has never stood prouder than when it greeted them with openness and confidence, in the spirit behind the motto "E pluribus unum." Sorry — make that "Out of many, one.""

Super news!!  Our heater is running, and we will have hot water in an hour.  The meter and regulator had frozen up, so he replaced them.  Next time, you pay your PGE bill think of a wonderful man, John, coming to your house on Saturday morning, and making everything wonderfully, warmly,  right!! Savor this lovely Saturn Day!!
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Saturday -

I decide to check out the origin of the word Saturday on the web.  From this web-site,, comes:

Saturday is the only day of the week that retained its Roman origins in the wake of the English invasions of the Angles and Saxons. This may have been because there was no Norse God to roughly correspond to the Roman God of Time and the Harvest, Saturn. The Anglo-Saxons simply adapted the Roman, "dies saturni", making it saterdaeg.

Besides his ownership of a day of the week. Saturn presided over a Roman festival known as Saturnalia. It was a celebration of the harvest, but it was also a time when life was turned on its head. Crimes committed on these days often were not punished; masters frequently waited on their servants; and revelry was taken to excess.

Saturday is the seventh day of the week and as such was the day upon which the Hebrew God commanded his people to rest. Through to our modern age Jews keep Saturday holy as the Sabbath - quite a contrast to Roman practices.

Saturdays are a popular day for weddings in Christian cultures because it is typically a day free from work and it preceedes another day of rest - Sunday. (In Moslem countries - for a similar reason - Thursdays are a prefered day for weddings.)

Before the advent of the 5 day work week (which began to come into vogue in the early 1900's) Saturday was much like Friday, in that it was the final workday before the day of rest. It is interesting to note that before the last few generations the long work week was standard and endured without complaint from most workers. In our own time the 5 day work week is often depicted as long and difficult.

As the centuries pass conditions shall change the nature of these days of the week. Already, the strict notions of apropriate behavior upon the Sabbath have changed. The idea of Monday holidays to create 3-day weekends is a relatively new invention. What change shall come next to vary our own perspective of the endless cycle of the week?

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thoughts -

I learn today that the son of some people I know ended his life.  I spread rose petals in my mother's fountain, and try and understand this continuing need in us to separate and come apart, even as we also cling and hold ourselves together. 

I would have given my life for this boy.  I have lived.   I see more and more that we can only surrender to what we are not able to understand.  My dear friend Annemarie sent me an email this week about that.  She is aging, as am I,  though, perhaps, she is farther along the path.  She is older, and having to face the loss of some of her abilities. She says, "I am more and more deeply aware of the mystery of life and the universe. We simply don't know the answer and live in the mystery of the unknown."

She says I am confronting the same questions, as, of course, I am, as I have come to understand more clearly that I will not live forever, and perhaps in that to lay something down as to expectation.  In this moment, I feel complete.  

This is the second suicide this year, 2006, of people I know.  I try and understand and wish them the best on the journeys they choose.  I was outside the Metreon one day, right after someone jumped.  I entered the church there, and prayed.  What else is one to do with something like that?   I then met Steve and Thom, and lovely Doris, and we shared dinner with others at Fisherman's Wharf.  Life does go on and we balance, on the tender points of it, even as so much swirls beneath that we are not meant, perhaps, yet, to understand.

May we all be tender and well, and aware of both ends of the dance.  
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Poem by W.S. Merwin -


After I can no longer see her
she says to me For awhile there is all
that asking about how the body becomes
itself as it goes and what it is becoming
what is happening to it where it is going
step by step one minute at a time
and then all that falls aside like a curtain
and the body is gone with its worn questions
hollow joints marrow and breath and instead there is
the way whatever lived in it goes on as itself
neither before nor after neither moving nor still
and while the body was going somewhere
the way was there to begin with in the feet themselves
wherever they went and you know the sound
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another poem by W.S. Merwin -


They know so much more now about
the heart we are told but the world
still seems to come one at a time
one day one year one season and here
it is spring once more with its birds
nesting in the holes in the walls
its morning finding the first time
its light pretending not to move
always beginning as it goes

    - W.S. Merwin