June 4th, 2006

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Good Morning!!

I sit this  beautiful morning with inhalation and exhalation, and a sense of depletion.   Again, I am aware that I have no reserve, and maybe that is a good thing, to know I am using myself fully and to the best of my ability, and maybe this is integration time, and just integrating is enough.  I am trying to sit comfortably with that.  I keep thinking, is there something more I can do, and I know that I really did try yesterday.  I ate well, and drank lots of liquids, and, there is a place where I just can't push through right now.  I think of the term, hitting the wall, and maybe that is what I keep doing so I know the limits of my playpen.  Perhaps there is comfort in that.  It is a certain size, and one day I will climb out into a bigger one.   I feel fatigue right now, and perhaps, I am grateful I can feel it.  I'll be with that for awhile, and savor that my play-pen is mesh.   Great care to you all!
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more thoughts -

Sometimes I feel like a baby with this ring of soft hair, and an attitude of seeing everything new.  There is wonder there, and excitement, and I realize I am very present in that, very present with my life, and perhaps, that is then, part of the fatigue.  I burst into tears easily now, as I feel my fatigue, and I think of babies and children, and sometimes we wonder why they cry.  Maybe there is so much they want to see and do, and then, there is fatigue, and maybe the fatigue is the censor, the screen, so we don't overdo, and I am really sensitive to that right now, and that is probably a good thing.  Why would I want to push myself beyond what is comfortable for me?   Haven't I done that?  Isn't this something new I can learn?  I am grateful I cry so easily now, and grateful I can feel my fatigue.

Someone asked Steve the other day what he did if he didn't play golf.   He then listed what he enjoys doing for leisure, but I found myself thinking I would not answer with what I do, but I would now say I enjoy being.   In some ways, I have no choice in it.  I seem to be too tired to even read of late, and so, I sit and feel.  Today, I rest in the hammock of feeling fatigue, of acceptance of tears and rest.  I am a lullaby today.  

I offer this prose poem by Gary Young.

    "Our life is one catastrophe after another. Disaster dogs us.  I'm
     the luckiest man alive, and you know what that means.
     Earthquakes, landslides, falling trees.   Wind and rain and rising
     waters.  What the hell, we survive.  The coyotes are screaming on
     the other side of the field; it's a strange music.  The stars are out. 
     It's lovely here, and like the wind, I marry you every day."

Peter Johnson says that in this poem of Gary Young's "Good and Evil stand side by side, with Young suggesting that our response to them should be as natural as the elements that take turns pounding and consoling us."   He also says in this poem "we somehow assert our humanity, as Young does when he remarries the world and an anonymous "you," most likely his beloved, though also possibly the reader because, for Young, writing implies commitment, spirituality, and recognition of contingencies."

I think, this morning, of this writing, of you and me, and the ribbon of life we breathe back and forth, like the fish in the sea. 
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Empty space that is full -

Elaine reminded me of the day I gave each of us a blank space in which to play.

Today, I am with circles, and how within the circle there is a space.  I am feeling circles, the season, the sun, the moon, the rings in the trees, and also, trying to balance in the center of the circle like Leonardo's Vitruvian Man.  There is space there.  I am living in the space now, the space created in the circle and the square.

May we all be there. 
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Bush's approval ratings -

This is from the SF Chronicle today.

Washington -- President Bush's job approval ratings have fallen to a new low among California voters, as Republicans once loyal to the commander-in-chief are abandoning him over issues from the Iraq war to immigration to runaway federal spending, according to a Field Poll released today.

Even as Republican Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger has seen his ratings start to rebound among state voters, 28 percent of Californians now approve of the job Bush is doing, while 65 percent of state voters disapprove.

"We're in uncharted waters," said Mark DiCamillo, director of the Field Poll. "All previous presidents who have dipped this low either resigned from office shortly thereafter or were voted out of office. Here we have a president who will be with us for 2 1/2 more years.

"The question is, can a president who has reached those depths reconnect with voters and turn those ratings around? I've never seen it done before because we've never had it happen before."

Historically, Bush's ranking is just shy of the worst-ever approval rating given to a president by California voters -- 24 percent for President Richard Nixon in August 1974, just before he resigned from office.

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my teacher -

I watch Mandu now. He sits on the rail to catch the first rays of the sun. Then, during the day, he lies in the shade.  He is slowing, resting, eating carefully, meowing softly.  His purr has deepened.   He is  my teacher now, in how one is here, and how one leaves.