June 27th, 2006

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(no subject)

I seem to be in my usual rushing around morning state, even though I got a good night's sleep.  My intention on only good news is a bit muffled by Bush's defense of illegal surveillance.  I am trying to find a milder stance in my life, a holding of both sides, and his unequaled arrogance is my challenge of this day.  And maybe what I am with of late is our arrogance and innocence as Americans.  Perhaps, we could lean a little bit more into understanding where other cultures are coming from in their views and positions.

I am spending the day with Jeff.  We have much to share.  Take care, each one of you, and live in the wonderful celebration of two eyes, and two ears.  We are meant to see and hear different views.   Tolerance and moderation are my words for the day. 
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up against something harder than chemo -

Some of you are concerned because I have not been posting.  I have been trying to sort through something that is very difficult for me.

My son loves a woman who is Chinese, though she and her mother were born in San Francisco.  Though my son and this woman are planning their marriage, her family does not approve.  When we met with her parents on Sunday, they were nasty in a way I have never before experienced, and hope never to experience again.  I have never experienced bigotry in so strong a form.   I have kept saying to myself, "If you can't say something nice, then, don't say anything at all."   In doing that, I have not been saying anything at all, and so I have lost the outlet that supports me, which is this blog.

Jeff says, I cannot lie, even when it might be beneficial.  I cannot lie.   The woman my son loves has a mother who believes that lying is how you live.  How do I set myself to rest on this discrepancy?  Jan wants us all to come to her graduation on Saturday.  She says we can stay on opposite sides of the room since her parents have said they are coming, but will not speak to us.  How can I be true to myself and be in a room with people who will not speak to me?

In my life, I have done everything I could do for my sons.   I love them, heart and soul.   When Karen called today, and heard how upset I was, she spoke to me of protecting myself.  I see there is a place to say, no, I cannot do this.  I am worn out.  I have sworn to associate myself with loving, positive energy.   The blast of hatred that I received on Sunday was poison.  How could I put myself in a room with these people again?   Why would I?   I have come up against my limit of what I can do.

I pray this brings me back to you and the blog.  I was trying to protect these people, but, why?   I ask for prayers in healing, healing in all ways.  I have no attachment to outcome in any of this.  I can only do what I can do and that is to protect myself from prejudice, fear, and bigotry.   May this be so!
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evening -

I read these words tonight.

   

"To understand your parents' love, you must raise children yourself."

- Chinese Proverb


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A little more to say -

I would like to add that I attended Jan's high school and her college graduation and her parents forbid me access to her at both, and somehow I allowed that.  We allowed it.  It was only today in speaking to Karen that I realized how strongly I could not be put in that position again.  I am not going to a place where these two fearful people have an opportunity to again not speak to me.  Why would I do that?   And maybe in this, it will allow Jeff and Jan to better understand what they need in their own relationship.  I pray for this to be so.

I realize that it is odd what we put up with in the name of kindness.  Steve would say none of this is about me, and there is no offense.  I say there is a place to protect, and because I am still so weak, I have to honor that place.  In the past, I had energy to meet what came.  That is no longer true.  I have to conserve.  I am trying to honor protecting myself from what is negative and cruel. 

It feels odd tonight to type these words.  I have anguished over all this, for years.  Years!!   How funny it seems tonight, and one day it will all be washed away in the sand, or not.  Some things are carved in marble.  I wanted to accept the intolerance of these people and turn it.  I think now that was ego on my part.  I can only surrender to what my own strength will allow, and, in this moment, that is not so very much, and, so, it is.  May we all meet what comes to us as well as we can, and back down when we must.   Sometimes, strength is letting go, and so, I do.  
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The Serenity Prayer -

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.


--Reinhold Niebuhr

In loving memory of

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Affirmation -

These words come and for me, affirm my decision.

   

“An avoidance of true communication is tantamount to a relinquishment of my self-being; if I withdraw from it I am betraying not only the other but myself.”

-- Karl Jaspers