September 30th, 2006

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Good Morning!

I am aware this morning of the old saying that a romantic sees the sailing ship on the horizon floating easily there, and the realist sees the work of sailing a boat.

Last night, I was in the behind the scenes work of a production like this.  I see that people will float in tonight, and it will be beautiful and serene.  A huge Buddha greets them, and fantastic flower arrangements and fans.  The lighting is muted, and the tablecloths black.  Tiny white lights float over head.   It is magical, and then, there is behind the scenes, where we run literally, then, stand huddled, quietly, and then, enter, perform, retreat gracefully, and then, run as fast as we can and change and run back.    Delightful husbands take our hands as we go up and down the stairs, and our way is lighted by another husband with a flashlight.  The orchestration and care is amazing, and, for me, it is, at times, a bit overwhelming, and I am using today like an Asian fan, as I sit on my lotus leaf in the softness of ease.

Jane and I will work today.  That is my relaxation.   Chris is here, and Steve, Chris, and Jill and I will head up to the Civic Center around 4, and the festivities will begin.   Jill is a fellow model.  It will be fun.   I came home so exhausted last night, it was hard to feel the fun of it, but this morning I am refreshed.    I have make-up at 5:15 and hair at 5:45, and a buffet meal is served somewhere in there, and we perform at 7:45.   Good wishes on that.   : ))   Again, I know it will be fun, and fast, and perhaps, the anticipation, like Christmas, is a huge piece.  All my doctors will be there.   I feel this night is my graduation.   From now on, I am as before, only wiser, I hope, and kinder, and more generous, to others and myself.  

Great love and care to all!
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Reluctance -

In my meditation this morning, the words that came to mind were "The Reluctant Model," and I remembered the wonderful children's book by Kenneth Grahame and Michael Hague, "The Reluctant Dragon."   The Reluctant Dragon was a dragon who just wanted to stay in his cave, and write poetry and sing.   He was a gentle dragon who didn't want to be out fighting and breathing out fire.   Well, I will let you read it to find out how it ends, but what I see in all this with the fashion show is the push-pull in which perhaps many of us live.   There is a place to step out and that is what this fashion show is about.  Stepping Out to Celebrate Life, and so that is what I do today, and I lay my reluctance aside, and find a place for all aspects of myself to peacefully coincide.
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Gratitude for Your Support -

I want to say how grateful I am for your support.    I am talking to models who seem to have no support at all.   It is amazing.   I don't know what to do with that.  I listen and I don't know what to say, how to comfort, and I know that maybe all they need is to speak it, and to have me witness their words or plight, and it is sometimes hard for me.   I sit today, on a lotus leaf of blessings and give thanks for all of you.

I request now prayers for everyone that will be at the fashion show tonight, models and supporters, medical, family, and friends.  There are a ton of cheerful volunteers.   This has not been easy for anyone, and the celebration is for all of us, all of us,  and how we unite in healing individuals in this world.  

I am so blessed in my family.  I give thanks for Steve, Jeff, Chris, Jan, Gary, Jan, and Katy.   My family is small, and mighty.   I wear the ring tonight my mother's father gave her when she turned 16.  It fits on my pinkie and is my ring of support, as I also carry with me all my ancestors who have died.  I have overheard so many women talking throughout this of what it would mean to their mothers to see them out there on the runway.  I know my parents will be there.   Sadly, some parents, who are alive, and estranged, are not coming.  I have heard some of the saddest stories this week, and so I guess I want prayers for the whole world, each and every one of us.  I am feeling quite sentimental today.    We are all hoping we don't burst into tears, and maybe that would be the greatest thing.   Who knows.    Welcome tears of joy.

Oddly, today Jane and I were working with December 1st where I could feel tears piling up, but was not yet ready to let them go.  I found myself entranced this morning with the thought of tears, of how they come from our eyes, and what they mean and share.  We are absolutely amazing.   Take great care!!
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Peonies -

Ellen sends this Mary Oliver poem.  Doesn't it just say it all?   Is it not perfect for this day, and night?

  This morning the green fists of the peonies are getting ready
to break my heart
as the sun rises,
as the sun strokes them with his old, buttery fingers

and they open ---
pools of lace,
white and pink ---
and all day the black ants climb over them,

boring their deep and mysterious holes
into the curls,
craving the sweet sap,
taking it away

to their dark, underground cities ---
and all day
under the shifty wind,
as in a dance to the great wedding,

the flowers bend their bright bodies,
and tip their fragrance to the air,
and rise,
their red stems holding

all that dampness and recklessness
gladly and lightly,
and there it is again ---
beauty the brave, the exemplary,

blazing open.
Do you love this world?
Do you cherish your humble and silky life?
Do you adore the green grass, with its terror beneath?

Do you also hurry, half-dressed and barefoot, into the garden,
and softly,
and exclaiming of their dearness,
fill your arms with the white and pink flowers,

with their honeyed heaviness, their lush trembling,
their eagerness
to be wild and perfect for a moment, before they are
nothing, forever?

Mary Oliver