October 1st, 2006

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It was amazing and unbelievable as everyone said it would be.   Where to start?   Maybe with the end.  I wake this morning, knowing there are many paths.   I feel spiritually full, and as satisfied as can be.  I am not floating.  I just am, though there is a bit of the Cinderella feeling, and I don't want to wash off my make-up, and wash my hair, and I will, soon.   I am ready to return to the pre-Cinderella me and it was lovely to be Cinderella for a night.  It truly was quite something.   I got there at 5 and walked into the make-up and hair room.   It was busy with people applying make-up and blow-drying and pouffing hair.  It was like being a movie star.   I got a Lancome person and she did an unbelievable make-up job.   I will never look like this again, and that is okay.   Once is enough.   A lovely, young woman did my hair, and she was so proud.  She is an apprentice, and said mine was the best hair job she had ever done, so she showed me off to her boss.   He said I needed a little more pizazz and asked if it was okay to snip my hair, so now, I have interesting asymmmetrical bangs.  I look quite spiffy.

 All my outfits are wonderful, and I am so glad I bought the pajamas, as I am luxuriating in them now.   The funny thing is the Italian Film Festival was also at the Civic Center last night, so, where the bathrooms were for the models - well, I had to walk through the festival crowd in my pajamas to go to the bathroom.   At first, it seemed a little weird, and then, I realized I was going to be in front of 740 people in my pajamas, so what was the big deal.   Also, no one seemed to notice.  Pretty funny!!

They had a wonderful buffet set up for us and I ate a bit, but it all went pretty fast, and it all was great.  It was FUN, and my family was there and friends, and I was greeted with pictures and hugs and love.   Everyone loved it.  This event is a bargain.   My family wants to go every year.   The love in the room is unbelievable, and this was an event where everyone danced.  The band was great, and I danced in my high, high heels, and I am A-OK this morning.   I feel this wonderfully calm, glowing happiness.   The transformation in some of the women was amazing.   Some who had been struggling with depression  were alight.   Julia, who was one dealing with depression, painted a Japanese character on a stone for each of us, and gave it to us while we were having our make-up done.   Mine was strength, and it was soaking wet I was holding it so tight with nervous excitement,  but once the make-up was applied, and I saw myself in the mirror, I knew it was a magical night.   Yes, it was fast-paced, and it was fun, and beautiful, and everything went great.   Everyone was so proud of us.  It is the funniest thing.   Everyone was so proud of us, and they did the work.  I am proud of them.   A couple of times I thought I might cry, but we were all running so fast to change clothes, there was no time, and, out on the runway, they were all cheering and yelling, and so, that was just plain fun.  I had a most wonderful time, and feel full, content, grateful, and I feel, as much as one could possibly feel the oneness we all share.   It is so lovely to be alive, and to feel that connection.  Wow!

It is gloomy and cozy and we are all snuggled in here.   Life is beautiful and blessed!!!    I think of the words of E.M. Forster, "Only Connect."   Yes, I think the truth is there.   May today be a wonderfully flowing day of connection for you and me, back and forth we go. 

For the Jazzercise routine, we had a ribbon on a stick like in the Olympics.  I see that ribbon now, flowing, connecting us all!!   I am wearing a huge smile on my face.   I remember when that was my only grooming, a smile.   I like it.

This is how it was.   One woman was very upset with her formal outfit.   She had lost 50 pounds and wanted to celebrate that, even though she knew there was more to go.   Well, word got round that she was dissatisfied, and the woman, Chris, who does costumes, went shopping with her yesterday morning, and they found an outfit to fill her heart with delight.  She said it was the first time in 20 years that not one of her outfits was in a plus size.   She was thrilled about that, as she should be, and imagine if you had spent your whole week going to eight different stores, making sure 36 women were outfitted in three different outfits, and you went back on Saturday to shop.   That is just one example of what went into this show.

Take care, and pink-ribboned blessings to you!!

Oh, my!!   I look up.   It is October 1st, breast cancer awareness month, and my birthday month and Chris's birthday month.   Wow!!    What a month!!

I must say that September has been quite the month, between the wedding and this.  There were times I didn't think my heart could take all the excitement, but, yet, here,  I am.  My graduation is complete.   My smile is sweet!!

I used to go through a five pound bag of flour a week.  I loved to bake.  Now, my flour is probably filled with bugs, if I went to look, but I think I am returning to home and baking a wee bit.   Maybe.   We'll see.   Maybe breakfast out would be fun, just for today.
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more thoughts -

One woman walked proudly in the show with no wig, no hair.   She was the most beautiful of all, even though we all sparkled with beauty.   Another wore a turban wrapped round her head.   It really says something doesn't it?    It is fun to dress up, and it is fun to know we are beautiful absolutely every moment we are.

Again, I want to say how lovely it was, and how blessed it is to see so many people coming together in a labor of love.   There were husbands and children working on it, and all were smiling and grateful.   Everyone there had an experience with someone with breast cancer, or their own experience.   That is perhaps sobering, and, clearly, for a good many of us, there is a cure.  
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Such a day!

    The fashion show has been my graduation, my letting go of what this year has been.   I had surgery on October 12th, so the anniversary is on approach.   Today, I went through closets and drawers, and gave away or threw away everything related to cancer and chemo.    My wig is ready to give away, along with all my hats, and some of the camisoles.   Some had the lanolin smell that will never wash out, so they are in the trash.   All my barrettes are going to Good Will.  I don't think I will have long hair again.

    Perhaps the biggest thing I did today was take the hair that we cut off in November out of the envelope.  I looked at it, and touched it.  It is soft and silky, and I truly did love the blondeness of it, and I saw no reason to keep it, to hold onto what was.  I am not my hair.    I tossed the strands off the deck for the birds, and even though it has been separated from my head for almost a year, and even, though my understanding is that hair is not alive, it seemed alive.  It seemed so alive, and so am I.