March 23rd, 2007

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Good Morning!

Tears fill my eyes this morning as I read that the cancer of the wife of John Edward's has returned.   I cannot imagine how they can say they will continue with the campaign.   The timing is odd for me as Karen came over and gave me a Rosen session yesterday.   I felt so much release from the trauma of last year that my left arm and shoulder are very sore this morning and it is hard to type.  I held myself together last year to get through it and now I am trusting I can let go, and that is painful, too, as feeling returns.  I realize that I have been upset these last few weeks because I did not give myself a place to celebrate the one year anniversary of the end of chemo.  I think that honoring was important to me, and so today I pause to honor what I have been through.

I love rocks and so do my friends Joyce and Terry.  On Wednesday, we made tiny cairns, piled special rocks to make the most beautiful and intriguing artworks and altars one will ever see.  Mine is here on the table, a friend of support. 

I must say this with John Edward's wife has taken the wind out of my sails.  Naturally I had no thought this might return, and it probably won't, and I must admit to some fear and tears in this moment.

Take care, and truly do appreciate the moments in your days!  I hate to sound like a cliche but we truly do never know.  Yesterday allowed me to feel the horror of what I have been through.  I felt safe enough to let go, and now, I feel fear.  I know we are all going to die.  It is pretty obvious really and yet I don't think we really take it in, and perhaps today I am a little closer to understanding the preciousness of my days.

I have been trying to access my tears these last few days, knowing they were there.  Today,  in this with Elizabeth Edwards, they come.

I offer her my prayers, and toss in a prayer for myself, and you, too!
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I am here!!

For those of you who know Rosen bodywork, you know there is often a theme or something that comes up that is really big and really matters.  Mine, yesterday,  was the statement that "I am here!"

I think that I left my body a bit last year as a way to survive.  I certainly tightened it into a tight little ball and I have been anxious for movement to return, and slowly it has, but yesterday, I really let go.  My diaphragm was moving and my abdomen was gurgling like never before.   The bones actually ached on the inside as they begin to feel the possibility of not having to be held so tightly in the muscle's grasp.  As I said, my left shoulder and arm are very sore.

Angeles Arrien says that sometimes we experience jet-lag in knowing what is going on for us, in honoring how we have changed.  I think I have been caught in these last few weeks in a time period of being a little girl.  Today, I am wide-eyed with wonder.   What is here for me now when I am here, when I feel my feet firmly open to receiving the ground, the floor?
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Elizabeth Edwards -

I have to feel that every woman or man who has been through breast cancer or any cancer has to feel some fear and sorrow today on hearing that the cancer of Elizabeth Edwards has returned.  Surely she had the best of care as did I.  I did not follow her journey.  Those were the days when I didn't want to think about breast cancer because I didn't want to draw it to me.    Perhaps pushing it so hard away meant that it was something I was supposed to face and I did, and then, I thought, well, that is over.   What mountain now do I climb?   But maybe we keep climbing the same mountain over and over again.  

I think today I need a place to rest, and anyone climbing a mountain has to pause and rest.  May we all find rest within today and wonderful places to sit and reflect.
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Saving Graces -

I read more on Elizabeth Edwards and her book, Saving Graces.   Somehow I was unaware of it.  Well, she sounds remarkable and the medical world is evolving all the time, so, perhaps she will be okay.  After all, we all are going to die sometime and she and her husband sound up-beat, though being in the place of feeling what it does to one's body to hold, I have to wonder about stoicism in this moment.

Anyway, I am glad she feels well, and hope that continues for her.   She has had enough pain in her life with the loss of her son.
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Inspiring -


 Seeing Beyond Sight

Seeing Beyond Sight is the product of Sound Shadows,
a literacy-through-photography class taught by Tony Deifell,
Shirley Hand, Dan Partridge and Jessica Toal from
1992 to 1997 at the Governor Morehead School for the
Blind in Raleigh, NC.

As a photographer, I feared losing my eyesight and began to wonder,
"If I were blind, could I still make photographs?"

A rabbi once told me that in the Talmud, blind people are referred to
as "sagi nahor," an Aramaic expression that means "great eyesight."

As the rabbi explained, perhaps people who are blind see more than
those who are sighted; perhaps there is seeing beyond sight.

As the son of a preacher, I have been predisposed to mystical
interpretations most of my life, so this paradox affirmed an intuition
I had about these unlikely photographers.

The cameras were point-'n'-shoot, so the challenge was mostly where to point them. The students would ask questions about their surroundings, feel their subjects, and listen carefully to the hush and noise around them.

It was as if they were listening for "sound shadows."

When I saw Leuwynda's pictures of the sidewalk, I thought they were a mistake. Perhaps she had intended to capture a classmate or one of the large oak trees scattered across the campus. I was wrong. As soon as Leuwynda had her camera, she knew what she wanted to do - photograph the cracks in the sidewalk.

The pictures were proof of the damage, and she sent them along with a letter to the Superintendent. "Since you are sighted," Leuwynda wrote, "you may not notice these cracks. They are a big problem since my white cane gets stuck." Leuwynda asked for the cracks to be fixed - and they were.

The fact that I had not noticed the cracks in the sidewalks at Governor Morehead School has stayed with me for years. Leuwynda's story is about more than cracks in a sidewalk; it is about all the cracks that go unnoticed.

I began wondering what other cracks I unconsciously step over.

In the beginning of the photography class, the students' pictures seemed banal - trees, pets, clocks - or simply mistakes.

If I had found all the pictures from the project in an unmarked box in my grandmother's attic, I may have disregarded them. But, as soon as I understood the hidden meaning behind Leuwynda's sidewalk pictures, everything looked different. All the images became unfamiliar, as if they were hidden puzzle pieces that held a secret to a much larger picture.

"Seeing Beyond Sight" is about seeing in the broadest sense. I use the physical behavior of light as a metaphor for the book's five chapters: Distortion, Refraction, Reflection, Transparence & Illuminance. Light is what makes it possible for the eye to see - and to make photographs - but we don't usually see light itself.

I thought of these five chapters as a journey towards light - towards an illuminance that is beyond everyone's eyesight - although the source of light is not fully known. The road is already dark enough as we wade through distortions and refractions to explore ourselves and our relationship with the world.

Ultimately, we may catch only a glimmer of a picture larger than us - an image of the world that is just beyond our full grasp.

—Tony Deifell from Seeing Beyond Sight

Check it out at:

I am intrigued and want to support the project.  I ordered the book.   : )

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breast cancer -

We keep hearing there is an epidemic of breast cancer in Marin.  Yesterday, I broke a contact lens so went in to see my optometrist today.  She informed me their much-loved and appreciated optician Sharon has breast cancer and will have a mastectomy the first of April.  It is hard to understand how it can be hitting so many people.  Sharon is 55.   Prayers for her, and the researchers too.  May research continue to reveal answers and cures.