March 25th, 2007

Book Cover

Good Morning!!

It is a peaceful morning.  I woke from an intense dream.  I dreamed that my mother died and we were doing the memorial service that next day at 12:00.  Most of it was taken care of but there were signs with her name and music playing.  I sobbed and sobbed in the dream and struggled with who to invite.  I kept thinking I needed to post it on the blog, and I was also thinking it should just be immediate family.

I think something has shifted inside and so I am not only able to feel my own grief over what happened to me but also my sadness at my mother's death the year before.  When she died, I was so grateful she didn't suffer that I didn't have time to really grieve the loss to myself.  Then, I got involved in my own "stuff."

What I feel this morning is that I am feeling this in a new place.  Often I feel grief and love in my heart, in the center there at the level of the heart but this feeling is a little lower down at the level of the end of the sternum, and Marion says that really is the "place," the place of deepest feeling and though I don't believe she uses the word soul, it seems to me that is what she means.  It is the place where we touch our soul, so I am feeling quite, I don't even know what,  this morning, as I take this in.   I cried in the dream, but I don't feel sad, only a calm excitement of an opening door and an entry into a spacious new cave of jewels and new places to explore.

I am over to the East Bay to work with Jane.  I worked again yesterday with the form of the book and it still doesn't quite fit so I am hoping this new shift in me means the puzzle will finally click.  We'll see.

A beautiful Sunday to all.

Elaine sends this.  The cleverness amazes me and I continue to wonder why we can be so creative and still end up in the mess of Iraq.

Watch until the end.   The ending, alas, is sad, or maybe humorous to you.  

Perhaps it isn't for us to understand what is going on, but to continue opening like a flower until our petals fall and we are one.

Book Cover

more on the Edwards -

I read again about John and Elizabeth and the comments on both sides.  

When Jane and I handed our book to an editor who had gone through breast cancer ten years before she asked why anyone would want to read about it.  She had gone through it alone and hid it as much as she could because she felt it wasn't acceptable or accepted.   She felt a sick person should hide, that they were a drain on the tribe, and the tribe did not want to see them in their vulnerability and pain. 

I think now of how pregnant women were once hidden.  Now, we celebrate their shape.  I remember being out to lunch one day and sitting next to a woman whose clothing showed the beautiful shape of her pregnant form.  I loved it and she was well along, but the slope, the curve is so beautiful, and I could know vicariously the life that simmered within her.  It was beautiful to share, and brought up my own memories of pregnancy.   In my day, we wore little girl clothes with smocking and such.  Steve's mother made dresses for me and they were lovely, but I looked like a little girl rather than a Madonna in full bloom.  

I was accepted in my illness and even celebrated and I want to share that with others through the book.  It is too good not to share.  I want to thank my doctors and you for all your help, hope, and care.  I have decided that what the Edwards are doing is a good thing.  It does bring up a great deal up for me though and that, too, I see as valuable for me, as release.

Many of us are from the years where a diagnosis of cancer was a death sentence.  The two words mean the same in our mind, but times have changed.  We have cures, and in the case of Elizabeth Edwards though she can't be cured, it seems she is enthusiastic and bubbling with life.  None of us can be cured.  We are all going to die.  Maybe this puts that news out there in a way we need to see.   I have turned around on it, and, of course, all of this is up to the two of them and their family and we now are all drawn in and perhaps given a chance to feel our own personal grieving through the intensity of their lives.

The blog kept me alive.  This is their way.  I applaud what they now give to us all. 

Jane  just emailed me that she is sick, so I am sitting with that and how now to twirl this day.  Perhaps a walk is the way to begin and the day will unfold from there.   The windows call to me.  "We need washing," so I will see about making the eyes of the house more clear.
Book Cover

Evening -

We watched John and Elizabeth Edwards on 60 Minutes tonight.  I thought they presented well that we are all going to die.  It seems something that is often ignored in our society.  I have found myself going back to my old ways, and so this last few days feels like a wake-up call to remember that each moment is an eternity and best lived as though it is the last.

I don't know what will happen politically for the two of them, but their message will stay with us.  I also realize that they have to do this.  Otherwise the cancer will have won.  That is what they are saying.  They both choose life, and I say, good for them. 

William James said:

        "I believe there is no source of deception in the investigation of nature which can compare with a fixed belief that certain kinds of phenomena are impossible."

I hope their belief in her continuing health will create a miracle and add to her years.  I see that her sitting home coddling herself is not the best way and tonight I feel they are choosing well.  They see it as about service.   That seems a noble goal.   Maybe the face of politics can change.  I hope so.  Of late, it has seemed focused on power, insanity, and greed.