February 12th, 2008

ocean waves

Morning - Mourning -

I wake and Tiger is snuggled in between my legs.  We get up and he cries a bit.  He doesn't want food.  He wants Bella.   He has always been vocal and protective of Bella, or "Little Sweetie," as Steve calls her.  Steve has been gone and part of us wonders if she went to look for him.  It was a lovely day to set out, a day like when Mole in Wind in the Willows was called to explore.

Lying in bed, I feel like I want to go up to the Humane Society and adopt all the dogs and cats they have.  I don't want to miss one so much.  I go between no more pets and all pets.  My heart feels literally like it bleeds.

The Humane Society has a tape they put on each night a 5:30.  You dial 1 for dogs and 4 for cats - oh, it isn't dial anymore, is it - you push a button and you hear the animals that were picked up in the last 48 hours.  They start south and go north.  Two were picked up in MV yesterday, but not Bella.   She was, and I do think it is a was, and not an is, though people assure me she is probably out exploring and will be back, Bella was fast.   They also list the animals who were picked up DOA, and one was euthanized yesterday for medical reasons.  With each cat, one's heart literally does sit in the throat.  It is a very painful phone call.   (My computer tells me I have misspelled or done something wrong with euthanized, but I'm leaving it anyway.  The little red line is a perfect documentation of my feelings.   They are not right in this moment.)

When we got Bella and Tiger, she was hiding in the back of the cage.  Tiger was in front, like a circus promoter, saying "Take us.  You won't be sorry," and the minute I saw them, I knew they were for us, though we had only planned on one cat, but two has been just right.  They entertain each other, and Bella takes extra care of Steve and Tiger of me.

Anyway, I am in great pain.   Oddly, Rhonda and I set up this day a month or so ago, a day to get in the car and drive and see where her son Mitchell, who is where Bella probably now is, would lead us.  Can you believe the day he is giving us for our drive?   We'll stop and hike and eat either in Stinson Beach or at the Station House Cafe.   It feels odd because it is almost like Bella is sacrificed or honored, so I can meet Rhonda a little more closely.  I am not beginning to compare the loss of Bella to the loss of a son, but, this loss is bringing up all my losses.  I woke, missing all those I love who have died.  It is like they are all embodied in Bella's sweet, compact, dear, precious, little body.   She was never very big, and she was white, not the best color against the woods.    We were told to keep her out of the sun, so she wouldn't get skin cancer, but she stayed out of the sun pretty well herself.  She liked to be under things, protected.   She always licked you when you petted her, wanting to give something back.  

Well, what can I say?   The loss is huge.   We worked so well as four.   There is such a hole, such an ache, so much pain, and instead of moving around it, I'm trying to stay right with it.

On Saturday, Lee spoke of noticing when we moisturize our arms or legs, if we think we are just putting moisturizer there, or if we are aware that we touch the whole body.  Be aware today of what you touch.  Notice your meetings with chair, floor, people, air.  Can you allow a little more air inside, puff up a bit on it?

I am going to use every trick I've learned today to try and spread out this pain like fruit and dry it in the sun.

Dried fruit is just right - jerky - something very hard to swallow and chew.   I am in pain.
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Birth Days!

Today is Lincoln's birthday.  I thought Lincoln was born on February 18, the day my mother died, but, no, he was born on this day.

Remember when we were in school, all the drawings and such for Lincoln.   Celebrate his birth and the good that he did, that still reverberates through us all!
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Spirit -

I suggest you read the comments on the last post.  There is comfort there.

I am doing much better.  This, with Bella, shows me so clearly how are all "one in spirit."   There is one spirit, and then, we condense into these different forms for experimentation and play.  It makes it all light and joyful to see and feel it this way.  I also see that life and death ARE one.  We flow in and out, and wind and unwind like a huge ball of yarn.

It doesn't mean we don't miss the physical form, because we do.  We ache, and it is delightful to know that spirit is flowing like grace.

Rhonda will be here soon, and we are off to be guided by Mitchell, and Bella, two wondrous forms in which spirit poured, and may still pour in Bella's case.

Steve is comforted by his dream that she "came home."  I know coming home can be interpreted in different ways.  

I have a car I love, a wonderful indulgence, and also, a very practical car, a convertible, a Honda S2000, so we will ride along, open to scent and air.
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she's here -

She's back.  I post and go to the door which is open glass and there she is, standing by a bowl.  I carry her in for food, but it is like she is stunned.  It is like she was just dropped here.  I don't know how she got back, but she is here, and seems unharmed, except for being stunned.  How odd that she doesn't want to eat.

It is most odd and she is back!   Steve's dream is true.  He is on an airplane, so has to wait for the news.

You all told me.  I am grateful she is back!!

Good News - Bad News -

The good news is that she is back.  The bad news is that it was almost immediately clear she was not okay.  Rhonda got here and we took her to the Adobe Pet Hospital.  Bella has been there all day and they are giving her fluids.   They thought they could release her at 4, but now they are doing x-rays.  She is not eating, and she is not all right,.  The doctor thinks she may have been hit by a car.   There is leakage from her anus that should not be there, so, there is a great deal of concern about what is going on internally.  The x-rays will tell us what is going on, so we can determine how to respond.  

They said to come down at 5, and we'll discuss what is going on.

I'm glad to see her again no matter what, and maybe she will again be well.   It is sad to see her like this, and  I am grateful I did see her again.  I don't know how she got over the fence in her condition, but somehow she did.  I guess what also bothered us is how good she was at the vet.  She seemed to feel no pain no matter what the doctor did, and she went quietly into the back without even a meow of protest.  

I hope she will be well enough to come home with us tonight.   I'm grateful Steve is now back and can go down with me.   I don't want to go alone.
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A rough day -

Bella is here.  The vet recommended she stay in the hospital this evening, but I felt she needed to be in her home.  She has a little IV in her leg and is resting.   She is very sick, and is not eating.   We don't know what is wrong, but, at least, she is here.  I'll take her back to the vet tomorrow at 8, and they will have more test results.   In the moment, we don't really know what is wrong, and can only pray that she heals.

I spoke with my son Chris who was here on Sunday.  She was so happy and full of play.  It is hard to reconcile with what I am seeing tonight, and yet, I just checked her and she seemed slightly more lively and alive.  Unfortunately, that's not saying very much.

I want to say something positive and I seem to be blank.

May, I, like Bella, settle in to rest.  The organism is intelligent.   I pray Bella heals.

Trite as it sounds, tomorrow is a brand new day!!