This last week I've been dealing with another edit of the book on my experience with cancer. It is written with my good friend Jane. We speak every weekday morning and try to write. Mainly now, we deal with the book.
Yesterday, was the fourth anniversary of the day I began chemotherapy. I can feel a bit of the nausea even now, four years later. The memories are back or maybe I am bringing them back so I can let them go. I am amazed at how we humans carry on and carry through and then perhaps we take a pause to look at what has gone on.
This last go-through on the book I read it differently, read it as though I was reading about someone, about two people, a person going through cancer treatment and one in support. What was it like for each of them?
I could "give myself" that it was rough at times, could see the experience differently. I feel myself in a great deal of change, transition perhaps and yet perhaps that is not quite so. Perhaps it is a new way of honoring my way of being, and being it is. I love to be with being, whatever that means to me. It bothers me sometimes that we ask, that I ask myself, "What are you doing?" "What am I doing?" I want to be kinder to myself, gentler and say, "How are you being right now?" Are your eyes filled with grace? Is that what you transmit?
Yesterday I had a Rosen session with my dear friend Karen. I can feel there are spaces within myself as yet unexplored. I can't tell if they are empty or full, but I see that there is more to know and allow. I am in a curious place. I notice that the word curiosity is my word of choice lately. My sense is that curiosity is what lets us know we are alive. Who are you? Who am I? Can we each learn a little more about ourselves through this probe of the other? Can you let me know you, your thoughts, your hopes, your dreams? Better yet, can you let you know? Can you let yourself know you just a little better, do a little probe?
So, now, I am going to take an odd shift. We use cloth napkins with our meals. I read somewhere of how many trees I would save in a year by doing so and it requires no extra water as they are just tossed into the washer with everything else, but I am noticing, that just like with socks, I don't always get the same number back as I put in. Where do they go?