February 26th, 2013

Alan - pansy -

Buddha's Brain

This morning was the fourth time I was in the ER in the last two weeks.  I was there for Steve, and we both are getting tired.  The ER doctors and nurses are wonderful, but we seem to be stuck in a nightmare from which I hope we soon emerge.

I have the book Buddha's Brain, The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love and Wisdom by Rick Hanson and Richard Mendius on my Kindle, so I sit there reading about ways to stay calm and stimulated at the same time.  It helps.

The book suggests ways to cultivate a refuge, a place of peace.  I think of people and places I love, and sit relatively calmly while I'm there, and then when I arrive home, I feel traumatized.  I can't seem to calm.  My sympathetic nervous system is in fight or flight mode.  I do what needs to be doing, but there is something frenetic about it.  Maybe admitting my distress here will help.  I've cancelled all appointments for this week so I am available as needed, and I keep thinking of the phrase, "Growing old is not for sissies."  We earn our stripes.  It hurts to be in pain, and it hurts to watch someone we love in pain.  It's like knives cutting through, or scissors.  Maybe it's like those paper heart chains we used to make when we were kids, where the hearts though cut, were connected, and went on and on.