March 16th, 2013

Alan - pansy -


I always put a disclaimer on a post that occurs after a bit of wine consumption.  I suppose I ask for a degree of charity with what I might say, which, in this moment, I have no idea what will be, as these are stream of consciousness posts.

As you know I've been in a care-giving role, a role that was required, but was also one of my own making.  I struggled with hovering, and being at beck and call, and listening to every breath of my beloved, and noting signs of swelling or discomfort, and generally, somewhere in here, I lost a sense of my own self.  As I've said, I cancelled most of my commitments this last month.  Actually I cancelled all of them, doctor, dentist, accountant, friends etc.  My mission was to "save" Steve, to ease any discomfort, to make sure he took his pills, and walked, and healed, and had no pain.  I would heal him.  Ego stepped firmly in.  My massage table was permanently up.   Rosen and massage were part of our day.  Whatever he needed was mine to give.   I monitored his food intake, and counted his steps, and made sure he had time in the sun, but not too much, because he is on antibiotics, and so must wear his hat and be careful of the sun.

Well, as you might imagine, I got more and more tired, and in the last few days, I must admit a bit of grumpiness entered in.  Yes, grumpiness.  Imagine that!

I knew I was near the breaking point, so today, I did some of my favorite things.  I drove into the city early, parked at the marina by the bay, and walked to Greens for a goodie and a latte and sat there watching the boats and the bridge and reading a marvelous book by Mary Roach, Packing for Mars.  She writes of what being packed in a tight space can do.  Ah, I see.  I don't need to be on a spaceship to confine my life tighter than works for me.

I then walked into a Sensory Awareness workshop.  I was first, so a room to myself.  Then, in came Richard, the leader for the day, and a therapist.  He asked how I was, or actually maybe he just looked at me, and then, he listed words that co-exist for the caretaker.  I don't remember all of them,  but I do remember the word depressed.  Ah, I am not alone.  This is "normal".  Who wouldn't be nuts at this point?  Relief.  Breath.  Big breath.

There were only four of us today, four who bonded in a beautiful way.  We came to movement, and we watched children play, and we played.  Movement.  Play.  Being a figure-8.  Hips as figure-8.  Being as figure-8.  A side-ways figure 8 is the sign of infinity.   Infinity is play.

It is so easy really.  We began with appreciating our hands that come straight from the heart, and work hard and are delicate and sweet.  We held our foot, first one and the other.  Did you realize how different your right foot is from your left, your left from your right?  Two different entities.  We worked to integrate, and integrate we did.

Try this.  Lie on the floor with your knees bent, feet standing.  Put a hand, a gently tenderized, strong hand under one hip, and rest.  Then, walk.  Then, do it again with a gently tenderized, offering, gifted hand under the other hip.  Then, walk.  Now, understand all of this took hours, three hours, and yet, I am a bouncing ball at this point, a bouncing ball, a grateful entity of, yes, Joy.


My thoughts are with those of you who have requested support.  I honor request.

To further that, I sat outside tonight with my two "kittens".  The moon is a crescent, the stars so bright I could be in the desert.  We have a motion detector on one side of the house, so the kittens and I play a game.  How still can we be so we don't set it off?   We did well.

Stillness and motion - I continue to play the game.   In Packing for Mars, she writes a great deal about gravity.  We don't understand it, but it is what brings us together.  For me, gravity equals Love.  Love!

May this evening bring you peace, joy, movement, and play.    May you feel the support of the earth, it's lift and kiss, and the reach of the stars.  We live blessed.  We are blessed from above, and from the solid, then, molten earth below.  Blessed.   I bend in thanks.