February 25th, 2014

alan - winter bird

A Time of Birth -

Why is it so hard to step out and into exposure?

This is my exploration of late, this noticing the agitation, fear, and excitement.  It is said that fear is excitement without the breath.  Is that true?  I'm not sure, but then, I'm not sure there is a "truth" around this.  Yesterday I touched a place in myself that held holding from my experience of receiving radiation. Receiving radiation, I had to lie flat and still, often in extreme pain.  I held "back" literally, held in my back and yesterday there was movement and release and I cried.  The woman I was working with said I held so my family wouldn't know how hard it was, and that feels very true, but in protecting them, I also held myself back from feeling what i went through. It is eight years later, and now, I begin to release.

The book is being sent to Ingram Spark and Amazon today. I will receive a proof copy in a week or so.  I don't know why this feels so intense, but it does.

I don't usually share my poetry, but I feel a need to share my morning poems, to give a sense of where I am now.  May we each find peace and ease.

a spike

the place at the end

where fruit is torn

from stem and root

does it feel pain

the thrust

into something new

it is not death

that fall and lift

it is a passing through

the howl

is it pleasure or pain

that calls out

from a place deep inside

asking to be heard

in ways more mobile

than hand or foot

more vibratory

than we can chain

and understand


might a doll do it

a phone

words from a book

a call deeper than touch

when we reach with every cell

into the cells of another

when we breathe through


with ears

in every fiber

and hair

of living


there is no voice here

and we are heard


there is no voice

and we are heard

cells and hair




tree, bird, squirrel,

you, me, no separation

only ease