Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

noticing -

I turned on music yesterday. I was able to listen to music. The chemo was so discordant in my system, so jarring, that I was unable to take in outside stimulation, but now, I am beginning to do so. I am slowly returning to myself. My feet are still. The vibration has stopped. There is no pain.

You might ask why I didn't utilize more pain pills. Well, I felt that if I spray bug spray, and then, cover up the stench with perfume, I might breathe in what I should not. I felt if I covered up the pain, I wouldn't fully honor the need to rest. I truly tried to stay with the pain, and it has been tough. It never left me on Sunday, but yesterday was better, and today, I am actually feeling somewhat well. I know there is more to go, but to sit here and not have anything ache, and to feel my feet without vibration or pain, well, it is a thrill. My feet are standing fully on the floor. There is reciprocity. I receive the floor. The floor receives me.

The fog seems to have lifted. I was able to sort through mail, pay bills, make phone calls, deal intelligently with and understand all the medical costs and questions. My part of my care for this year is paid. Yay! I learned today that my insurance company pays 2 days after they are billed. I feel good about that.

Being able to do these simple things, which have, at times, been so beyond my grasp, allows me to feel less vulnerable, less afraid. I touch my hands. They are not numb or tingling. I am alive. Where have I been? My eyes open. My face softens. Wariness disappears. I see the branch of my hand. My hand is warm, willing to open. I see leaves on the trees. I have shoes on my feet. I feel my life begin.

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