Checking in -
I fell asleep with Mandu on my lap and we had a good, warm nap.
I think Sandy, with her probing and comments today, touched on many things I had not looked at or thought about, and that was good and also exhausting. She said I will worry the cancer will come back. I actually had not thought I was thinking of that, but, perhaps somewhere I was. It feels good to have her say it. She is very blunt about how crummy this is. I guess I don't let myself feel it that way very often. I usually look at what I have gained from it, but today, I hit some wall of exhaustion. I literally couldn't do anything this afternoon and so I rested in the chair with Mandu. There is a bird singing in my yard, one I have never heard before. I know my bird expert friends could tell me who is singing there, but, in some ways, it is delightful to know this new sound without knowing who is producing it. He sang most of the afternoon. I talked to Jeff, and found great comfort in that. Chris and I will have a good, long talk on Saturday when he comes for Easter. We fell into this, all of us, and now, perhaps, we can talk about how it felt, and how it feels now, and what is to come. I said to Karen today it seems I should create a celebration but I am too tired. She said it can come in a year, not now, and, that is so. I am letting myself be with how exhausted I am, and that is good, and there is tonight, and tomorrow, and all new ways to feel how I be. For now, I am okay with fatigue. Mandu is still asleep. He is quite the teacher of how to be.
Jeff says rain is predicted for eight more days. It sounds like a wet Easter is in the forecast, and so it is. : )
I think Sandy, with her probing and comments today, touched on many things I had not looked at or thought about, and that was good and also exhausting. She said I will worry the cancer will come back. I actually had not thought I was thinking of that, but, perhaps somewhere I was. It feels good to have her say it. She is very blunt about how crummy this is. I guess I don't let myself feel it that way very often. I usually look at what I have gained from it, but today, I hit some wall of exhaustion. I literally couldn't do anything this afternoon and so I rested in the chair with Mandu. There is a bird singing in my yard, one I have never heard before. I know my bird expert friends could tell me who is singing there, but, in some ways, it is delightful to know this new sound without knowing who is producing it. He sang most of the afternoon. I talked to Jeff, and found great comfort in that. Chris and I will have a good, long talk on Saturday when he comes for Easter. We fell into this, all of us, and now, perhaps, we can talk about how it felt, and how it feels now, and what is to come. I said to Karen today it seems I should create a celebration but I am too tired. She said it can come in a year, not now, and, that is so. I am letting myself be with how exhausted I am, and that is good, and there is tonight, and tomorrow, and all new ways to feel how I be. For now, I am okay with fatigue. Mandu is still asleep. He is quite the teacher of how to be.
Jeff says rain is predicted for eight more days. It sounds like a wet Easter is in the forecast, and so it is. : )