Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

Checking in -

The day began well for me and then I ran out of steam, and when I do, I continue to have to realize, I just don't have the reserves I would like to have. I guess I find that a bit sad, and it is what it is. I had such intention to have a full day, and I did have one, and I got home, sat down in a chair and fell sound asleep. I over-extended, and felt angry and sad that I was so tired. It seems silly now. I was tired. What is wrong with that? And now, I consider my day. Maybe I had a reason to be tired.

I drove up to Greenbrae. Kirk is my new person for radiation and he and Jane do a great job, so all is well there, and my check-in with the nurse went well also. They drew on me again today, and took more pictures. When I see the doctor, I will ask why so many pictures. I have had pictures taken four days this week. The nurse didn't know why that would be so, since it is usually once a week. Anyway, it is another step in the procedure, and I don't think I am really relaxed for radiation. The breathing has to be just right, not too much and not too little, and I guess I am worn out from trying to do it "just right." It feels odd to me to have to perform what should be natural. Anyway, I realize now I didn't let myself feel how tired I am from five days of running up there, and trying to breathe just right, and having the pictures taken, and the four times of radiation spray each time. I am worn out from that, but I didn't realize until this moment. I have been trying to be a happy camper.

Anyway, it was quiet there today, and so I finished quickly enough to meet Steve for a late breakfast at Toast. That seemed fine, but I realize now it was heavy traffic getting back to MV, and the restaurant was noisy and crowded and there was a lot of commotion. I think my stimulation level is still very fine. My nervous system can handle only so much, so I drove home for a 30 minute rest, and then, drove up to Fairfax to meet with Jim, the mentors and the horses, and perhaps that is where I am angry with myself. The point there is self-care, and that means to "Drink before you are thirsty; eat before you are hungry, and rest before you are tired." The other point is to feel what you feel through the horse. The horse is a mirror for you. What I felt was fatigue. Did that mean I sat down and took a break? No, I didn't want to miss anything and, so I persevered. When I got to the car, I felt so tired I wanted to cry. Then, I beat myself up. Why do I have to be so stoic? Why couldn't I have pulled myself aside and sat in a chair? So, I managed to create a lose-lose, except now I see what happened, and so, I can do it differently next time.

Today, we learned how to groom the horses, how to start with our hand first, and get to know the horse, and let them know us, and then we learned how to use the brush. We learned to get the horse to step back, to go in a circle, and to come toward us, all through body language. We don't speak.

So, that brings up something else. My mind, or lack thereof. I feel like my memory is shot. I worked with a wonderful horse, and I can't remember the horse's name. It is completely gone for me. We learned an order of how to approach the horse. I know how to do it. I remember what to do but I cannot remember the words, and maybe that is the point. We aren't there to work left-brain, but I have always been rather proud of mine, and I feel like I've lost my mind, and they would say, Yay. Now, I am smiling. I guess it was a good day, and maybe my fatigue allowed me to get out of my mind, and just be with the horse in the way we are being taught to do. They are prey animals. We are head honcho in the prey world, and probably predator too.

Maybe that is another reason I feel sad. It was very clear to all of us how women have been taught not to use dominant body language. I found the third part, which I can't remember the name of, challenging. I am not forceful with my body language. I was raised to keep my legs together like a "lady," and that doesn't include being dominant to a 1200 pound animal. The other odd thing is why I chose the toughest horse to work with. I met the horse outside with his owner, and she told me he was tough, and my mentor said he was tough, but I wanted tough, and I did do great. I got an A in a place where they don't give grades, so why did I leave, feeling I didn't do "good enough." Why do I do this to myself, I ask now. What is the standard by which I am measuring? There is no standard. The horse did everything I wanted. Isn't that enough? And what was my favorite part? There was a part where we got to hug the horse. I put my arms around him, and closed my eyes and hugged. Tears come to my eyes now. I guess I want a horse to hug. I don't care about making him go in circles, and forwards and back. I just want to hug him, and this place is such that that would be fine. I could say that, and just stand there and hug a horse for two hours, but, and again, I smile. There is more to life than that, right?

Steve says I can have a horse if I want, and I don't think it is practical, but something was touched deeply in me today, and they said this would happen. I like hugging a horse. Thank you for listening. I was trying to figure out why I left there so troubled. There was something about hugging the horse that touched something really deep in me. The horse didn't really know me, or maybe he did. I ran my hands over him. I brushed him, and then, I hugged him. I am touched and what does it matter that I can't remember his name. I didn't tell him mine, and I doubt he could read my nametag.

What would I name him? He is an Appaloosa. They were owned by the Nez Pierce and were severely diminished by the "white man". Maybe all that history came through the hug, though I didn't know that until afterwards when Jim told me. I check the Appaloosa out on the Internet. They now think they might have crossed over the Bering Strait, and that the Nez Pierce and these horses have a longer history than was once realized. Ah, so much to learn and know. I would name him "Evolution."

We were told we will probably dream of horses. I believe that is so. I am dreaming of my new friend right now, and I hope that horse history continue now without pain, as we learn to work with these animals and communicate telepathically as they do. There is so much to learn, and we know enough. We know it all. Now, I let myself feel that. No more beating myself up, and next time, I'm tired, I'll rest.

I saw a license plate holder today that said, "Save a horse. Ride a cowboy." Now, there is something to contemplate. A joyful evening to you!!

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