Lying on the table, the first thing I noticed was that I could lie there and turn my head to the right, as a baby would do when it breast feeds. When I am in the radiation machine, my head lies in a little metal basket. I am not supposed to move. I also learned how out of touch with my own breath I have become with so many orders on how to breathe in order to move my heart out of the way and accomodate the machine. That is a nerve-wracking experience, especially for someone who wants to do everything right, like I do. Also, the left side of my body is in so much shock that as I lay on the table with my teeth chattering as I let go, I felt the tears fall first from the right eye, and then, the left. I realized the tears have been falling only on the right side. The left side of my body has been frozen. I have felt traumatized, and I truly have been. I am starting to feel what I have been through, and I have been a good soldier throughout, and that was necessary and now, I can let go.
Dr. Myers also emphasized how my cells are being destroyed, and how I need more rest to heal, so I have a prescription for naps as well as other things. I'll begin more thoroughly next week when the radiation is done, but for now I have a chance to balance left and right, up and down, and back and forth. I have been holding myself together. I am ready to start letting go.
Jeff, Steve and I had lunch at D'Angelos and that was fun and now it is time for my nap. It seems Mandu's medicine has been right on track, and here he is to be sure I take a nap with him sweetly snuggled on my lap.