I have some thoughts tonight, under the gaze of this lovely moon with Jupiter shining, like a light, by it's side.
That I can say all of this, feel all of this, that I am letting go, is a very good thing. I understand that. I want you to understand it too.
I am no longer barricaded against feeling the tears. Tears come, and today, when I was able to lie on the acupuncture table with the appropriate needles in place, and I could turn my head - well, I felt I was nursing on the breast of the universe. It felt so important to be able to turn my head after 29 treatments of radiation where I had to keep my head in a hoop and look straight up, and straight up are the water lilies and the water bugs, and these people are sweet, sweet, sweet, and still, I had to look straight up. I cannot turn my head. I understand why, and today, was so important to me, to lie, face up and be able to turn my head and to drain out all that I have had to hold to be able to do this. This is against our nature in so many ways, and yet, the desire to live is so huge, so huge.
Vicki sent this to me yesterday. I haven't asked her permission to post it, and I am editing it, but I feel that the last line expresses what I am trying to say. The desire to live is so huge, in each one of us. We want to live. Vicki's words:
I just finished listening to a recorded book by Simone de Beauvoir, called ":A Very Easy Death." It's about the death of her mother. . A line that has stuck with me, when Simone later was reflecting on the whole experience she talked about her mother's very deep Christian faith. Her faith was real and vital to her and yet in the end she didn't ask for a priest, didn't ask for last rites. Simone says some would have criticized her choice, would have said to her dying mother, "Look, you have cancer and you're going to die. You need to have last rites to save your soul." Simone realized her mother needed to believe that she would improve, she needed to have hope. And this is what struck me: "When one is passionately in love with life, the thought of eternal life is no compensation for death."
The woman who worked with me today seemed upset that her cousin chose chemo over a trip to Italy with his family when he was told he had a few more months to live. I tried to explain to her how strong the desire to live is. I have been stunned by it. I would crawl for life; I am crawling. We want to live. I'm not sure we always realize that, until it is threatened. I keep meaning to re-read the book "Tuck Everlasting" since that is it's theme as I remember it, the value of the mortal life, the mortal, not the immortal. Mortality. Is that the grail?
Anyway, I am feeling well tonight. The Rescue Remedy has kicked in and all is well with me. I am going to be around to plague you for a long, long time. I hope you are looking forward to that. : )
Please, value the rhythm of your life that beats with such love and care, and which matters so much to all of us who are also beating with love and care. We share one heart, and it is huge, and it loves to reflect the rhythm of the universe as it pulses in and out. Swing on the pulse. Laugh, sing, and shout.