I kept putting Jane off on going back in to see what we had written. I didn't think I could do it. I didn't want to see what was there. I decided yesterday I am ready. I am strong enough for these tears. I will not break.
I also note when I see what I wrote on fatigue that I am not that tired now. I could not write that poem now. I feel tired at the end of the day, even in the middle sometimes, but, not like that. There are so many levels of fatigue. I do have a reserve now. I feel the difference as I read the poem. I suppose today I see where I have been, and there are tears now for that place. Oddly, today, Jane wrote of my courage, and I wrote of hers. We continue to match in what we say.
I was going back through the blog to understand what was going on then, or, at least, what I shared with you. Neither Jane nor I could find the words I was so responding to on the blog. I didn't think I was censoring, but, perhaps, I was. I also see that though the words were coming, I wasn't really feeling them. I do now. I feel the words, mine and Jane's. We are hoping that what we are doing will not only help the person with cancer, but also, family and friends. We debated starting from the past and coming forward, or starting now and going back. Now, as we comment in the present on what we wrote, we do both.
Anyway, in going back through the blog I came across this poem Karen sent me to offer comfort. I place it here today. I have some stuffed animals here. I think I need a hug. My little friend Mandu is becoming very frail. I am parceling out times of disturbance for him. He, now, is very tired. He is living in a place of rest.
Poem from "Love Poems from God" by Daniel Ladinsky.
It is by St. John of the Cross.
A RABBIT NOTICED MY CONDITION
I was sad one day and went out for a walk;
I sat in a field.
A rabbit noticed my condition and
It often does not take more than that to help at times -
to just be close to creatures who
are so full of knowing,
so full of love
that they don't
they just gaze with