Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

A little more to say -

I would like to add that I attended Jan's high school and her college graduation and her parents forbid me access to her at both, and somehow I allowed that.  We allowed it.  It was only today in speaking to Karen that I realized how strongly I could not be put in that position again.  I am not going to a place where these two fearful people have an opportunity to again not speak to me.  Why would I do that?   And maybe in this, it will allow Jeff and Jan to better understand what they need in their own relationship.  I pray for this to be so.

I realize that it is odd what we put up with in the name of kindness.  Steve would say none of this is about me, and there is no offense.  I say there is a place to protect, and because I am still so weak, I have to honor that place.  In the past, I had energy to meet what came.  That is no longer true.  I have to conserve.  I am trying to honor protecting myself from what is negative and cruel. 

It feels odd tonight to type these words.  I have anguished over all this, for years.  Years!!   How funny it seems tonight, and one day it will all be washed away in the sand, or not.  Some things are carved in marble.  I wanted to accept the intolerance of these people and turn it.  I think now that was ego on my part.  I can only surrender to what my own strength will allow, and, in this moment, that is not so very much, and, so, it is.  May we all meet what comes to us as well as we can, and back down when we must.   Sometimes, strength is letting go, and so, I do.  

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