Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

evening -

Jane and I work a bit in this late afternoon on the book, Breast Stroke.  We work over the phone as is our usual way, since I am in Marin, and she, in the Oakland hills, of the East Bay.

We discover today how much I changed some days in mood, starting out so bright in the morning, and dimming through the day.

Yesterday, the models' luncheon was very hard on me, and I have been struggling to understand why I came home so tired and drained.  I believe that I have explained that for this book, Jane and I have gathered poems we wrote on certain days throughout my chemo,  and then, gone back through, at a later date, "translating" what we wrote, and writing how it feels to read those words now.   Well, we completed one go-through when I was on Nantucket, and now, we are again going back through to revise, and tighten or expand.

Jane wrote this today about March 16th.  I place it here for two reasons.  One is because I am so touched by her words, and I want to honor them.  The other is because I think now I am looking for that place she says I gave to her.  I am changed in one way by this experience, and, in another, so much of what I learned is still illusive for me.  I lived behind the veil for awhile.  Now, I am out, and I struggle to know and understand how life is for me now.   Who am I, and does it matter?   No wonder a gathering of so many women, and one man, many of whom are in the same search, left me feeling tired. 

I offer Jane's, as always, beautiful, profound, and kind words.  Her words bring tears to my eyes.  

Translation: Even during the living there is so much I cannot know. I trust that the world behind me and outside my window are still there even when I am not looking at them.  I believe that the sirens, bombs and rockets in places of trouble really do wail even though I don’t hear them. I try as best I can to hold those people in those places in my awareness. And for many months now, you have allowed me in to your life to witness how the awareness of the body’s tenuousness manifests in you. You have looked your life in the eye and recognized that it could leave you.

Through your sharing I, now,  can also imagine that there is a life and world without me, when this body has done all the work it can do. It is that body, that faceless face, that voiceless voice that you have given me the perspective to whisper to. This body of mine that I have so long taken for granted, this sacred donkey that carried me through life, it is this you I have loved the best for letting me witness time on earth. It’s time I told you.


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