I enjoyed another Pilates session yesterday. I see how clearly my body twisted to protect. The right side of my body curled in to armor and keep the left side safe. The left side is actually very loose in its protected float. My feet, though pointed straight ahead, turn slightly out on the outer rim, away from the inner ground. I am working to consciously bring them back in, to use the whole of the support beneath me, while also, trying to understand what I am trying to protect with that outward lean of my feet. How did I think that would support or protect me through this? I also see how I twisted my pelvis into what Marion Rosen calls the pose of defiance. That twists my whole posture out of shape, thrusts my stomach out, and puts pressure on my lower back.
When I said to Jane this morning, I felt the Pilates woman was a bit like a drill sergeant, and that it felt like physical therapy, she said Pilates began as physical therapy for dancers. I can't help comparing it to Rosen. When I would mention to her what I was learning as we worked with my body, she was not interested, and, naturally so, and yet, I feel there is a place, a need for a witness in what we notice, and, so there is Rosen. Marion Rosen was a physical therapist who noticed what came up for her patients, and, then, she began working with that.
This woman, Carol, is great, and she keeps saying I am doing it "Perfectly," and I say, "Perfection is static," and yet, I know what she means. She is looking for a form, a utilization of my stomach muscles, a place for my ribs. The focus is on moving the bones, and not, thinking of pushing or pulling with the muscles. Move the bones, and all falls easily into place.
She also keeps saying how incredibly strong I am, and I feel that, and I also feel how I lost trust of my body. It is why I stopped moving. I lost trust, and now, it is coming back, as I feel the spring in support and let go. I have been holding myself up. Now, I again trust the support of the table, the ground, the world. Oddly, I felt very trusting as I went through this, and I see that my left side, the unconscious side of the body, did trust, but the right side, the logical, more masculine side felt a great need to hold and defend. I honor both sides of my body today, both and all sides of my life, as I work to balance all ways.
Here is to balance in this globe of the earth today. I saw two seals off the coast yesterday. Hooray!!
On another note, through a friend, I met a man yesterday who was at the memorial service for Michael Fajans, who died in a motorcycle accident in June. He is the fourth person I know who was at the service, and, so, again, I heard how amazing it was from someone with tears in his eyes. It seems a woman witnessed the accident, and went home and wrote a poem about it. When her son heard the poem, he asked her if she knew the man was famous. He suggested she contact his family, and she did, and she read the poem at the memorial.
Jane tells me Michael died the day we committed to our book, and switched from writing more poems to going back in and translating what we had written, and speaking of how it is for us now to read what was written then. We feel Michael as our oracle, our guide.
I google Michael, so I can see the wonderful murals I continue to hear about that he did for the Seattle courthouse. I tried to place his artist's statement here, but it is protected somehow. You can check him out at: http://www.michaelfajans.com/hub-courthouse.asp
He painted Three Sets of Twelve, 12 jurors, real people, in their professional lives, then, three jurists' chairs a level above that, and then, the twelve people in their jurists' chairs another level up. The memorial was held in this building. Check him out, as you consider how the light moves in and out of you today.