I woke this morning feeling how grateful I am to be alive. I realize that is how much of yesterday was spent, just feeling aliveness. I feel my heart pump, and my eyes move, and I am in awe at the joy of being alive.
Someone sent me an article yesterday on possible alternatives to chemo, and I read it and sent it out to others for evaluation, and once, again, we all came to the same conclusion. I want to live. I will not risk my life for anything. I want to know I am doing absolutely everything to ensure I am here to play with my grandchildren.
Chemo may be primitive, and even brutal, but it is what we have right now. I have to take advantage of what is available to me right now.
Sometimes this is tough. My head continues to feel like a burning bush with a stubble of furry leaves, and so, I imagine it as a full head halo, freshly aglow.
I am willing to risk this. I think when it comes right down to it, the desire to live is much stronger than we ordinarily realize. It is much easier to think 5% is not so much, unless it is your 5% and then it is everything. In this morning moment, I think and feel I am making the right choice for me. I am grateful I have this choice. I am grateful to be alive. I wish I had words to describe how much I love being alive. Tears come to my eyes. Perhaps those are my words, warm wet ones, smacky, rich kisses from the inside of my body to the outside of me.
Each one of us is a miracle. I see that so fully now, the miracle of this uniting and connecting to breathe in and out, you and me. Celebrate today. Light candles in every cell, and hang a holiday wreath. Place stockings over your inner fireplace, and fill those stockings with marshmallows shaped like your own personal versions of Joy and Peace!
Yesterday morning Jane wrote a poem where she spoke of the "young light" that is coming. She didn't feel it was ready for the blog, so I requested she ready it for the Solstice, and she agreed, so there will be a wonderful welcoming back of the light poem from Jane in only eight days!! Enjoy these deepening days of darkness, for soon, we will again be welcoming "young light."
