Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy
cathy_edgett

Morning -

I feel sad this morning, just sad.  I could find reasons for it.   Jan and Jeff are doing therapy to understand her parents and their response to this wedding, and the therapist's comments are rather sobering.   In light of their behavior, he gives Jeff and Jan permission to not see them, to cut them off, and that does not feel good to anyone, and so how does one continue to reach toward someone, and, to also,  protect one's self from toxins, venom, poison.   It is a challenge, and it throws a pall over my life, so that the news in the paper is even more depressing to me than usual.

This morning, Jane and I worked with the day she wrote of ironing her father's shirts.   Re-reading that poem brought up a memory of my father from when I was nine.    After his heart attack, I was sent to be with my aunt and grandmother while he recovered.  We went shopping, and bought him a beautiful blue shirt which we mailed to him.   When he came to get me, he walked up the stairs in that blue shirt.  I will never forget the thrill.  I was still in my slip, as he was early, and I was ironing my dress.  It is amazing the ironing we did in those days, and somehow it was enjoyable, relaxing.  Anyway, that memory is with me today, the beauty and love in my father's presence and eyes.   No wonder I feel so sad when I think of this with Jan's parents.  They will not say whether or not they are coming to the wedding, and yet, we all gather in two weeks tomorrow to celebrate.  Perhaps, I have a reason to feel sad.

When I was in treatment, I didn't have the energy for anything else, and so, sometimes, I wonder about this wandering mind and its need for scenario, but this is something, I realize, that if I didn't feel would make no sense, and, yet,  how do I protect myself, and that is the therapist's point.  We each need to protect ourselves, and so, I sit with that today.  I feel so vulnerable, a clam without a shell, but I will make a little one for myself today, knit of rose petals, gold beads, and pink hearts.   I believe in love, and the turning of the tide.  I fan that belief, with hope, charity,  and love.   I fan generously, hoping for peace on the planet, within each one of us, and between and among.  

Great love and care to all today.  May we all be well, generous, and kind!
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