My Thoughts - "Humbled"

Sunrise

Witnessing
light changing -
sunrise not so clear this time of year -
no ball popping up over a hill,
or horizon,
to say “Hi! I’m here!”
subtle today,
more of a long, slow, warming hug,
reaching deeply to smile -
a Buddha smile
in all the light between
and in the cells -

warm shower today,
embrace -
I am the calm
of the droplets
touching me before they fall -
some go straight for the drain
others hop into my ears
or slide down my legs
and play with my feet -
are they like the trees
lit for the holidays
aware of something outside
what they can do -
am I the tree decorated
for just a moment
with something more
than I produce -

morsels today,
morels, with their intricate caps,
spongy, like the inside
of trees - suddenly all looks flat
compared to what lives inside  -
the fairies coming out of their beds,
stretching,
the gnomes, and the elves.
I feel the living, living inside
and I see how to let all cancer go -
all cancer goes - living is strong -

stay with it now
the mind wants to wander
send and receive email -
distract -
why is it so hard to stay with this - 30 minutes - 30 -
why do I struggle so with this gift -
stay with the living -
branching -
nodules
in and out of the veins - pumping - the pump - lift and and see and smell the pump -

this morning I pop out of my body
like a worm emerging from a chewed leaf
to see the sky -
he hangs on and reaches his legs into the air -
I see the pump - the hand - the workings -
I am chief -

This image stays with me, of the caterpillar on the leaf reaching for something firm, feeling only sky.  Some legs still attached to the leaf, and others weaving the air.  There is a wonderful poem on this somewhere.  The reaching into something new, a new way to be, to speak, to share.   I want to weave in a new venue.  

My wig feels comfortable.  I am comfortable with it.  It is not fake.  What is fake?   Ego is fake.  I am not my hair.  Someone designed this wig, worked to mix colored strands so it would look natural.  I am going to title my blog "Humbled" today.  Ego says I can only wear hair that I produce, like I produce it.  Look at where the food comes from that I consume.  I eat from all over the world.  

At the party last night, I noticed limp hands, eyes that did not see me.  I was aware of those outside myself.  Isn't that is what this with the hair is allowing?   As I struggle with who I might be, I am still myself, an exciting, excited person curious about the world, and I am noticing everyone else.  I am grateful I have a wig, and I don't need it.  I like myself,  with and without the wig.  I feel exciting right now, and aware that I am you, and you are me, and wearing a wig does not make me false.  Nothing makes me false except when I denigrate myself, and say I am less than I am, and I struggle with giving myself 30 minutes to write at the same time as Jane.  That is false.  That is denying the wondrous being I am.