Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

Checking in -

Today was a rough day, and I found out that the chemo effects are cumulative, so the chemo mind, nausea, and fatigue will increase. That was sobering. I cannot imagine what I will be like after this treatment and five more. This one really knocked me out.

Also, my red blood cell count is now low, so they did do the treatment, but if it doesn't go back up, they will have to start treating me for anemia, so now, I have another request. I hope you aren't getting tired of my requests. You were so creative with white blood cells - well, keep that going, but now, add the other hand - talk and chew gum at the same time - dance forwards and back - keep those white blood cells going, and start visualizing red ones, nice, thick, hearty, happy red ones, jumping around and giving me energy and joy.

My first thought was little red devils to go with the white Taras, but maybe that integration might be a bit much for me, but, who knows. I'm open to your imaginations.

The place where I go for chemo makes every attempt for cheer - five boxes of See's candy are out - poinsettias - menorahs, and, all the people come with the best attempts at joy, and, I, too, am cheerful there, and smile, and make jokes, and I come home, and I just want to cry. I feel so invaded today, so sad.

I couldn't see the mountain today because of the clouds, though the sky was filled with swirling gulls and terns. The water was brown and rushing. How different it is each time I go.

I did talk about the blog, and so now they are going to suggest that every chemo patient have a blog. She is still talking about how my white blood cell count went up when I asked you to visualize it doing so. I told her it is the blog, and I said wait until you see my red blood cells next time. Now, I am thinking I'll skip ahead in the holidays and visualize little red hearts for my red blood cells. They are having a most grand time. Oh, or I could see candy canes, the red and white blood cells combined in a conga line to curve.

So, fatigue is what is with me today, and that needs to be okay. I see again I am supposed to be resting. That is what I am supposed to do, and I still struggle with it. Perhaps the lesson will sink in on the sixteenth week. I am given time to learn. They continue to tell me I need to take better care of myself. Why is that the hardest lesson to learn? That is what makes me want to cry. I want to take care of you, to wrap you all in blankets, and serve you hot chocolate with marshmallows. I find it hard to sit here, and know I am supposed to be thinking about me, and what I need, so, and so, and so, I am going to try and do that today. May you do the same.

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