Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

Good Morning!

I wake before 5 this morning, and somehow it is light. I can see outside. Perhaps it was the darkness that I stayed with yesterday, the staying with candlelight that sensitized my eyes. I begin with meditation, and through that, feel how stiff I am. I am barely breathing. I have not been moving much since this happened, and so, I begin to move my neck, then follow my body, and where it wants, where I want, to go. I begin to let myself feel that I have cancer that has metastized. I had been avoiding the words, but reading Ram Dass yesterday, I realized that it is important to feel what is going on for me. I am not sad about it, just feeling it. After all, he is very clear on what I already figured out. I am not this body, and yet, this body is in pain right now. My hands and feet are sore. Cuts don't heal. I want to wear gloves like we wore when we were children when we dressed up, with white socks, gloves, and holiday hats. Well, I am wearing hats, though my look is more elf, than elegant. I was so thrilled to be rid of the rituals of hats and gloves, and now, I want the protection of them, the safety, the hug. My hands feel too sensitive for the light, my head too tender for heat and cold.

Again, I feel an awakening, a noticing. Can I care for this body that harbors my spirit and soul while I'm here? I have gone obediently along with the program, while also, reading all I could and asking relevant questions. I feel I am involved in my healing, and, yet, this morning, I feel there is a little more I can do. I can move, and more fully feel what is true for me.

I kept struggling with that I am not "sick," and yet, I really didn't feel well, so what am I? What is going on? This morning I get a small handle on that. I just am. In this moment, I am sitting at the computer in a long, white nightgown, with a silly hat on my head, listening to the wind. Just that, enough, for me to know and feel.

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