Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

Threshold -

This morning Tiger was entranced with the door to the downstairs.  Now, that it is cold, we are trying to keep it closed, and Tiger and Bella are supposed to use the cat door, but the big door is intriguing to Tiger and Bella, especially Tiger.  While Bella sat on the top step and watched, Tiger batted the door back and forth.  He tapped it and hammered it, watching with great care to see each time where it stopped.  It was quite a study of momentum, weight and timing through a door.  How far does it go before the floor grabs it?  Why does it stop?

I sit with the experimentation of Tiger and Bella today, as I think in some way I am batting a door between who I was, and who I might be, and I am not batting very hard, and curiosity is not enough to kill a cat, and yet, it is there, like a little ping-pong ball flung softly in the air, some new way to explore and see where I go, and where and when  I stop, and then, go again.

I feel like a mouse, scampering and avoiding the gaze of the cat.   I think I want to stay under the radar for awhile of the medical gaze, and, perhaps, my medical visit yesterday was a trigger for that.  I don't understand why doctors seem so flabbergasted that their office is not my favorite place.  I don't understand anymore than they, it seems.  I find it a scary place.  I wish I could somehow convey that without them taking it personally. 

My personal doctor has a dog, Scrappy.  Scrappy was very interested in licking my feet.  It reminded me that my feet still aren't right as to nerve endings, and they are better, and I feel today like Scrappy was trying to help me heal.  I think I do well with dog therapy.  It is certainly comforting to be licked, though I don't want my doctor to lick me.  I don't think she has a long enough tongue anyway.

She also informed me that I still have "edema" in my last breast, and that could last for at least five years.  I look up edema.  It is a "swelling of any organ or tissue due to accumulation of excess lymph fluid, without an increase of the number of cells in the affected tissue."

Sometimes I wonder why I waited to get my breast checked, and when I go, I know why.  I do not find it a comforting place, even with the help of Scrappy.  I think both Scrappy and I would have preferred to be outside.

Happy Day!

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