Good Morning!
Today feels like Christmas Eve to me as we began gathering in the roundness of family, coziness and food. The holiday begins!
I heard from my cousin Greg in Australia this morning, and that means
so much to me. He has been struggling with my mother's passing, as who
would not. She was a woman beyond imagining, and I miss her painfully
much. I am so glad to hear of the beautiful days and nights "down
under."
So, my writing this morning with Jane. Let me go back and see what is
up for me. I left there for emails and so now return to what I was
feeling. Ah, I have a lot to say. Maybe I will place my rant at the end.
As many of you know, I am in the Two Cents Chronicle newspaper pool, so
a question is asked, and I write an answer, and sometimes it is
published in the paper. Well, the question for today must have been
asked right when I was beginning chemo, and so, I gave a glowing report
of how much I was learning and loving the support of family and
friends, and so yesterday, when I am feeling worst than lousy, and was
feeling angry at my medical bills, I see that I will be published today
in the paper, saying what I would not probably say today. They need to
be more up-to-date for me. : ) Or, maybe I would say
the same. Who knows? The love, joy, and support are all
still there.
So, when I go in for chemo, take a guess as to what a treatment costs. Okay, where are you in your guess?
Well, here is the sum for one treatment. $10, 394.00!
Can you believe it? One chemical itself is $5000.00. I am charged
$300.00 an hour for my chair with the IV drip. I could be in a suite at
the Ritz-Carlton enjoying room service. So, that, on top of not feeling
well yesterday, well, my feelings about chemo, were a bit dim. I
do want to clarify that though I say, I am charged, my insurance
company is charged, and still, I see it as somewhat the
same. I am appalled.
I woke at 2:00 this morning and read more of This Cold Heaven by Gretel Ehrlich. I recommend this book.
I am lifted now on the enchantment of Christmas, and connection, and
love. I have perhaps moved through what I wrote in my morning
time with Jane. I don't know if, after reflection, I will come to
the same conclusion, as I did this morning, but it is freeing to
continue to remind myself that I have choice in this. I am not
locked into anything, and none of us are. We all have choice,
moment, by moment, now and now and now.
Love to You All!!
Peace
This
morning
each log
in its place in the fire -
the
kindling to start
and
then, the little guys,
followed
by the huge elders
of the
forest,
with
years of tales
to tell
-
with the stream,
with yesterday,
and now
it’s voice inside,
a rhythm
that
questions the chemo,
the injection
of poison,
and the
price -
gall to charge me $300.00
an hour
for a chair with a stand
holding
a bag -
I don’t
understand -
and I
resent money made off of me,
and yet
education -
tuition to
be paid - research -
All that drips in the bag,
as I
consider life on the ice,
where
the hunt means life,
and this
- is this the beginning
where
there was enough abundance
in the tribe
to
support religion and priests -
now our priesthood -
the
medical community -
and when
does it make sense,
and when
is it out of control -
do I choose now -
I am
feeling today I can do this myself -
walk in
the hills in the rain -
all this
money - I could walk all this away
with
love
just
love - immersion in love -
I’m
thinking now
that
that is my way -
to be in love,
in the hills,
by the stream,
placed like the logs,
in the fire -