Today feels like Christmas Eve to me as we began gathering in the roundness of family, coziness and food. The holiday begins!
I heard from my cousin Greg in Australia this morning, and that means so much to me. He has been struggling with my mother's passing, as who would not. She was a woman beyond imagining, and I miss her painfully much. I am so glad to hear of the beautiful days and nights "down under."
So, my writing this morning with Jane. Let me go back and see what is up for me. I left there for emails and so now return to what I was feeling. Ah, I have a lot to say. Maybe I will place my rant at the end.
As many of you know, I am in the Two Cents Chronicle newspaper pool, so a question is asked, and I write an answer, and sometimes it is published in the paper. Well, the question for today must have been asked right when I was beginning chemo, and so, I gave a glowing report of how much I was learning and loving the support of family and friends, and so yesterday, when I am feeling worst than lousy, and was feeling angry at my medical bills, I see that I will be published today in the paper, saying what I would not probably say today. They need to be more up-to-date for me. : ) Or, maybe I would say the same. Who knows? The love, joy, and support are all still there.
So, when I go in for chemo, take a guess as to what a treatment costs. Okay, where are you in your guess?
Well, here is the sum for one treatment. $10, 394.00!
Can you believe it? One chemical itself is $5000.00. I am charged $300.00 an hour for my chair with the IV drip. I could be in a suite at the Ritz-Carlton enjoying room service. So, that, on top of not feeling well yesterday, well, my feelings about chemo, were a bit dim. I do want to clarify that though I say, I am charged, my insurance company is charged, and still, I see it as somewhat the same. I am appalled.
I woke at 2:00 this morning and read more of This Cold Heaven by Gretel Ehrlich. I recommend this book.
I am lifted now on the enchantment of Christmas, and connection, and love. I have perhaps moved through what I wrote in my morning time with Jane. I don't know if, after reflection, I will come to the same conclusion, as I did this morning, but it is freeing to continue to remind myself that I have choice in this. I am not locked into anything, and none of us are. We all have choice, moment, by moment, now and now and now.
Love to You All!!
each log in its place in the fire -
the kindling to start
and then, the little guys,
followed by the huge elders
of the forest,
with years of tales
to tell -
with the stream,
I walked with yesterday,
and now it’s voice inside,
that questions the chemo,
the injection of poison,
and the price -
an hour for a chair with a stand
holding a bag -
I don’t understand -
and I resent money made off of me,
and yet education -
tuition to be paid - research -
What gall to charge me $300.00
All that drips in the bag,
as I consider life on the ice,
where the hunt means life,
and this - is this the beginning
where there was enough abundance
in the tribe
to support religion and priests -
the medical community -
and when does it make sense,
and when is it out of control -
Is this now our priesthood -
do I choose now -
I am feeling today I can do this myself -
walk in the hills in the rain -
all this money - I could walk all this away
just love - immersion in love -
I’m thinking now
that that is my way -
to be in love,
in the hills,
by the stream,
placed like the logs,
in the fire -