When Jane and I spoke this morning, I felt myself choking up. We are at a key point, and we took a week break because we each have to come more firmly forward and that is not so easy to do. I broke open in this process, and was so examined, and literally opened, that I spilled forth with every detail of my life. Somehow you seemed fascinated and so I went with it, but now, it seems that with the book, Jane and I are being invited to speak about our life “before.” I find myself not wanting to go there, feeling myself so changed, and yet, as Jane speaks of who I was before and my love of home and family and creation of home and family, I see that this is something to speak of and honor.
When Steve and I chose to create a lifestyle that allowed me to stay home with the children, it was a courageous stance. It was a step against all that was promoted at the time. It actually seemed like rebellion, and there was not much support for it, and yet, it was something that really mattered to us. We both had stay-at-home moms and wanted to give that to our children.
Steve had a poster from Otis - I should look for it, and it spoke of what a “homemaker” was. That was our inspiration. We felt I had the more valuable job. I took my job seriously and put heart and soul into it, and probably lost a bit of myself in doing so, but I didn’t know or care. It felt right.
When we came to Tam Valley, we met a group of couples who chose the same path. Prop 13 had just gone through and it meant our local schools needed money. We began to raise it. I was treasurer of the PTA one year and we made $20,000 through a carnival, a walk-a-thon, things like that. We popped popcorn and sold hot dogs. That was a lot of money twenty-five years ago, and we had to file with the IRS. I continued on with volunteer work, and taught computers in the schools back when computers were new, and I became a Terwilliger nature guide, and I continued on with volunteer work as the children grew.
I look out now on a rosy sky. The days are lengthening and I welcome the day as I sit here at the computer.
I think there has always been something in me that balked a bit at the “making” of money, and yet, I have always made it when I needed to. Money has come easily to me. If I needed a job, it was there, and I was well-paid for what I did. what am I trying to say?
I feel very sensitive about touching the person I am. Does that make sense? I don’t know how to explain it, but this is a very sensitive exploration. Jane and I are considering asking you to write a few paragraphs to tell us who you think we are. What has been revealed to you in this year of reading about us? Perhaps, it will help us to better see ourselves and maybe that is the point. How can we shine a light on what we are not yet able to see?
We want to know ourselves better, to reveal ourselves a little more, and I think I am a bit stuck on it. Jane seems a little more ready. I feel scared somehow, and I can’t imagine why. I like myself. I am comfortable with my life and my choices. What am I afraid to reveal, and why? I look now for that brief moment where the sun lights the sky with color and then it is gone. I think I am missing a piece. Perhaps, you can give it back to me, and the puzzle of my life will be more complete.
I also keeping seeing the image of myself as a little girl four years old. I think that for some reason I am, in this moment, stuck there, as that little girl, trying to figure everything out. Who am I? Why am I here? What have I done? Am I on my rightful path of fulfillment? As I type this, I feel it as so, and I think I need to take that knowing and understanding ever more strongly into what I believe here and now on planet Earth!
Take and give care to others and yourself!