What I realized this morning is that my list is now so involved, long, and complex, that I can't see what it would take for me to feel "accomplishment" at the end of the day. I just keep raising the bar. What I learned last year as to why I felt such joy was that there was no "bar." I took it away. It was enough for me to rise from bed, brush my teeth, put on my hat, and get to appointments. I did not judge myself at all, and now, I find I am, and today, I am looking at that because I know it is not a healthy way to be.
Years ago, I took a class with a wonderful man who had a stroke when he heard of the death of his son in an accident. He had to re-learn basic tasks, and he set his life up with five-minute goals. I think of that often, five-minute goals, because then, there is this constant sense of accomplishment and patting on the back. In his case, it might be that he put his shoes on or his coat, but he let himself have a feeling of accomplishment over and over again throughout the day. It is to live congratulating ourselves for putting one shoe on, rather than saying, there is still another shoe to go.
I will try and do that for the rest of the day. I now have such a fear of doctors that when I was to have blood drawn today, the veins just pulled further and further in. I feel sad about that. I can tell myself there is nothing to fear, but my body does not feel that way. I see how clearly I have had enough of the medical world, and yet, how firmly I am in it. I am searching for equanimity around that today.
I appreciate medical care, and I am tired of being prodded and poked. I want a life of my own. I thought of last year as "My journey to becoming a community." I understood how clearly we are intertwined, and today, I want my veins left alone in their own inner flow, and none drawn out for a tube, and, I will try, just in this moment, to live with acceptance of what is, and a lowered or even no bar!
May that be so, and so it is. All bars removed!!
This moment - is - bliss -
