Heart Happy (cathy_edgett) wrote,
Heart Happy

January 16, 2006 -

So, again, I am looking at where I was last year.   This is my posting from a year ago.   May it help anyone who reads it and is in treatment and wonders if what they are feeling is "normal."

Blog entry of January 16, 2006 -

    My brother pointed out that I seem to have suddenly placed a lot of politics on the blog. He doesn't think politics is the best thing for my health right now.

    I think the purpose was to distance myself emotionally from what is going on.

    I am not doing well with the chemo. I am exhausted. I am limited in what I can do. I am worn out. I truly would love to quit. You are trying to be supportive by pointing out that I am 50% done, and, I appreciate that, but, what I am feeling is the toll that this has taken, and I try and imagine what another two months will do to me, and I cannot. Tears come as I type this. I'm just not sure I can continue. I know that tomorrow I will hear what I heard last time. "Because you are so physiologically depleted, it is affecting your mood," but, I feel I don't even have the energy to smile anymore. Even my eyes are tired. I want to do this, and I am, as always perhaps, concerned about the cost to my health. Perhaps I have no choice. I suppose that means I again lift myself from the mat and fight. The image that keeps coming is of crawling out of the sea and feeling arms and legs form. That was quite a step those amphibians took. I appreciate it much more now. I guess I feel that is where I am. I'm out of the sea, flopping on the sand, and forming arms and legs. Sometimes I do distance myself on the blog. I am trying to protect how poorly I feel.

    Today, I guess I will say it. I feel depleted. I am tired. I am worn out. I am scared. I am tired of having no hair. Perhaps, this is surrender. Then, that would be a good thing. Perhaps, I need to feel this more. Steve said his perception of the poem I wrote this morning was that it was in my head, and not in my body. I know that I am avoiding being in my body. I am afraid to feel how poorly I feel, how afraid I am of this new chemo regimen. I am curled up inside against it. Perhaps I will spend today just feeling how I feel, feeling my fear, and I will see what comes from that.

    Something funny in all this. I have been feeling that because I look so pitiful, the grocery clerks and everyone are offering me all this help. Someone pointed out that that is what they do now. They offer everyone help out with their groceries, but in this hyper-sensitive place, I think, "Oh, I must look so pitiful that they think I can't even carry a teeny-tiny bag of groceries by myself." I remember now that they offered before, and I don't actually think I look so pitiful right now; I just feel it inside. This is again allowing me to see what interpretation does. All those words fell off me before. Then, I began using them as a way to anchor what I am feeling. There is no reality there. I am treated as before. Hmmmm!! Can I treat myself as before? Can I see myself as I once was? Can I again find and feel my strength? Well, today, is a good day for that. Martin Luther King, Jr.! Rosa Parks! I celebrate today these role models of the heart. The word heart comes from "couer" - courage. May it be so for me today! May this give me a chance to honor the Masters of Courage, of the present and the past.

    I certainly don't pretend to put myself in their category, but my own personal struggle can allow me to better appreciate what they did, and have done, to better see and feel how hard it is to pull oneself from that wonderfully comfortable warm sea and begin to grow some arms to reach, and legs to walk the talk, that formerly was just bubbles in a whirling spin.

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