There is a book called Flowers for Algernon, about a man who is not so smart, but is very happy as a janitor. He does not realize that people tease him and he is content and feels he is well-liked and "one of the guys." Then, a drug is developed that can make him "smart." He is a test-case, and becomes more brilliant than anyone. He is to marry the young research person. He is the brightest of all, but then, they realize the rats on whom it was tested are reverting back. Now, he goes back to how he was only he knows the difference.
I think going back in on the blog and seeing how I was has been upsetting to me. I felt I functioned well. Everyone assured me I did, but I see how "spacy" I was, and somehow it is painful to see and realize now. I know my mind does not function as it did. I will probably not have that clarity again and there is a lost feeling in that even as I know all I have gained.
Jane and I had a good discussion on the book today and think we maybe have figured out why it isn't working. We set a new tack today. I am glad to feel we have again found direction after floundering a bit.
I am trying to be calm on what I am asking of myself. I continue to come up against some desire that requires some space.
I am with these two quotes today.
"Reflection is one of the most underused yet powerful tools for success."
"Follow effective action with quiet reflection. From the quiet reflection will come even more effective action."