Jane and I had a wonderful discussion this morning. I think we are both feeling change, and taking time to feel the change and honor it more fully. I have some thinking to do before I say more than that. I feel big shifts and I am considering on what that means for me.
I will say this. I see again how we may unconsciously hold onto old wounds that have nothing to do with what is happening now. I led a section of the Rosen movement yesterday and came up to a place in myself where I wanted to keep moving, feeling that if I stopped, I couldn't get going again. A woman who, five years ago, went through the same breast cancer treatment as I, shared that she thinks part of it may be that we couldn't stop on the treatment program. We kept ourselves going by not stopping, and so now we struggle with the "pause," and what it means for us.
My sense is that for many of us there is a concern about stopping. What will happen? How will we re-start and I could hear what she was saying about what changes might have occurred in me in that intense year-long treatment as to trust on stopping and starting.
I came to Rosen movement because I felt frozen. I think I am thawing, and in that, I struggle now with feeling my natural internal rhythm as it is now and of course it is continually changing, and integrating my natural rhythm into a group, the world.
What came up for me yesterday was how hard it was for me to learn to skip. Somehow that odd little bounce was a challenge for me and I remember my parents working with me, trying to teach me. Around and around the living room we went. I was thinking it was a requirement to "graduate" kindergarten, though I remember now the house and think it might have been first grade. I see my parents trying to teach me something that may be natural, but, for me, the more it became necessity, the more it became harder and harder for me to "get." I think what I may, upon reflection, have gotten from yesterday is that I do have rhythm, and that child of then is not the adult of now. I can relax. There is no trying, only doing, and, as I type this, I feel something letting go. I can skip and I love to skip and maybe in the skip is a pause and maybe that is what I reach for now.
I have been struggling with the balance of spontaneity and planning. I know the value of intention. I see that it is difficult to fulfill what doesn't exist as desire. Perhaps yesterday I found a new place in myself. Something nudged and I feel a loosening today, an opening, acceptance. Acceptance! What a concept. Isn't that what is is all about? Acceptance. Suffering is wanting things to be different than they are and yet how many of us are able to truly accept ourselves as we are?
The clouds are moving in. I welcome them today. I welcome the clouds in myself as they prepare a blanket of reception to say, "Receive. You are born again each day. Borne. You are borne. Play!"