I believe I have spoken of Steve, the nurse at radiation, who on my last day, said how he prayed for us all each day. At the time, I thought, I am well. I don't need prayers, and somehow, today, I surrender to you and myself, that yes, I do. My body aches as again I lean into acceptance.
I realize that one reason I never felt my situation was "dire" when I was sick, was that I knew somehow it was not my time, and maybe I won't know when it is my time. Maybe we always hold onto delusion, but I wonder if there isn't some softening as it truly is our time to go.
It is odd to be brought into the realm of letting go, again, today. I put up my barriers sometimes and hammer intention to carry my own will on through, and there is a place for that, and there is a place to let go.
I am working with Jane today in the East Bay though I told her I felt too weak to drive, that I didn't think I could get there, and she encouraged me to come, to come in this weakened state and explore. What comes now? What is there for me to know?
I am wrapped in double turtlenecks and pain. This with Mitchell continues to hit me very hard. I suppose I again wonder why his life, and not mine. I have lived my life, and yet, there must be more for me to learn, and more for me to teach. I want to place pillows under him and lift and kiss. I want to ease his way, but does tightening my own body into pain help him? Perhaps.
I realize I want him to know I care, and I also realize that when I was sick I was floating around all that. It was like a huge bubble I looked into, but I was outside of it too. The well that holds us is huge enough to simmer the roots of pain until their essence is held and drunk, and what we drink heals, and sometimes the healing needs rest. I am tired today, worn out, and in that place of surrender is presence, patience and love.
I give thanks for that.